On March 15, 2021, Lady Ginger presented the topic Long Distance Play for Dating Kinky’s FemDom Friday. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that hour long show show, where Lady Ginger discusses creating rules for your long distance FLR dynamic.
So, one of the things that you really want to do, when it comes to doing long-distance play: work together in that communication to come up with rules and expectations.
So, for example, what are your AWAY rules?
So, when you’re not together and whatever form that is, whether it’s phone or on camera or text or email—whatever platform that you’re using. Do you have rules and guidelines set up for when you’re not? Not engaged at that moment.
Can you see other people?
Is your submissive allowed to play with other people?
How do you create that dynamic?
You know, again, it comes down to communication.
We need to define: What actually is playing?
What are the hard and soft limits?
So just because you’re not in the same room together and you’re doing long distance, doesn’t mean that there still isn’t hard and soft limits.
Coming up with a way to enforce punishments:
This takes creativity because again,you’re not in the room.
Often in the BDSM community, there’s physical punishments. How do you enforce that?
How do you do those different kinds of punishments?
So, this is where the creativity comes in and this is one of the reasons why I’m asking you to link into your five senses.
So you want to make sure that everything is clear.
You have spent the time and did the work to make sure that communication is clear.
The rules are clear.
The expectations are clear.
This is monumentally important.
You also want to keep your expectations realistic.
It’s better to have a list of five rules that are really important than a lists of 20 (rules) that are confusing.
So for me, I go through and go, “What is a realistic expectation for my sub to follow?”
For example, yannow, my sub works a nine to five job. So, am I going to have an expectation that by the time he gets home from work at night that there’s a big laundry list of tasks to do?
Well, it depends on the person and depends on the relationship, depends on the amount of time, but for me, I take those things into consideration because his happiness in turn makes me happy. So I’m very considerate when it comes to realistic expectations.
But again, this leads back to communication and rules.
So, these are things that we have spent the time talking about, working our way through finding things that work, finding things that don’t work and giving space and time to adjust.
It’s okay to adjust.
Even if you have a contract.
You also want to think about things that can be a serious health issue, health hazards, social issues, you know, if you’ve got somebody who, you know, is going to go to church on Sunday with their grandmother. Is it okay for them to wear that collar?
Maybe if they’re wearing a leather collar on their off time or wearing it to work…
So those are things to keep into consideration because there’s you, there’s another person and there’s other people at large.
This is where it’s up to you guys to put the time and energy into communicating, all of these things when you make a plan.
When I was pulling this clip for today’s post, I was originally focused on the long distance aspect of the relationship.
But as I listened, there was another part of this that really stood out to me:
It’s okay to adjust.
Even if you have a contract.
Yesterday (as of when I’m writing this), I was interviewed by Leyna Nguyen for her podcast Consenting Adults (https://www.consentingadultsshow.com/), and she asked me about my relationship and would I be OK if things were to change.
I said “Yes, of course.”
She seemed surprised.
And I get it. A lot of people say things like, “I will never not be [fill-in-the-blank] again.”
“I will never not be in a FemDom relationship again.”
“I will never not be polyamorous again.”
“I will never not be in a cuckolding relationship again.”
“I will never not swing again.”
And that is 100% their right to say so.
What I have found in my life, and in the lives of many others that I speak with, is that the ONE thing you can really count on in life is CHANGE.
And for me, the best experiences of my life have been a result of my ability to change and grow and be flexible.
And the people that come into my life, the friends, the lovers, the partners, and the inspirations—they are bring something new. I want to be able to embrace the possibilities as I go through life.
And I want to be able to embrace my partner(s) for who he is/they are, and love them hard through life ebbs and flows, and if that means changing, well, then we will talk about changing and what that looks like and how we can both (all) live our best lives on the other side of this change.
But even inside of my relationship, one thing that I’ve noticed over the years is that our protocol and rules and ways of living together and making each other happy change as well.
When we lived two hours apart, every morning, we shared a photo with each other. Now, we live together, and I wake him in the morning before work (because I’d prefer to wake him than him use an alarm clock). Both are rituals that mean something, that connect us in the morning when we first wake up, that help set the tone of our love and our relationship for the day.
But they are different.
Because we have changed.
As humans and in living together and what we want from our relationship.
I teach a class about living contracts. Building rules, protocol, and rituals into your dynamic. And one of the things I stress is that change is GOOD. Change in growth. And creating positive change with your partner through the months and years is amazing and magical, and is a kind of deep communication in and of itself.
What are your thoughts?
Are you open to change in your relationships as you grow?
Do you have a set of rules that you have used with multiple people, and will use for as long as you can imagine?
What works best for you, and why? Or, if you’re not sure, what do you imagine might work best for you, and why?