Are kinksters attention whores?

Are kinksters attention whores?


I don’t mean that in a bad way. If you immediately got your hackles raised, take a deep breath, hear me out, then please, give me your thoughts.

I wrote a piece in 2019 about attention and the work of John Gottman studying relationships and his idea of bids for attention, and how they shape a relationship.

(Read it here, if you’d like: )

Someone in the comments said:

I feel kink is about hyper-attention.

And that struck a chord with me, so I saved it in my ideas for writing folder.


I’ve compared various kinks to extreme sports. And I think that’s apt.

But I wonder…many kinks are not extreme. They are more…homey. Social. Even controlling. And deep levels of detailed ATTENTION are built right in.

What is power exchange, if not a deep need to not only serve (or be served) and to be SEEN doing so? To bee appreciated for that effort and work. To be desired for what you bring to the table physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally…whatever.

And so, we give ourselves to those who see us best. And we give our efforts (from either side of the slash). And we reveal our deepest most depraved desires to those who will gaze upon them and honor them.

Which is in direct contrast to many vanilla lives.

Hide this so people don’t see. Bite your tongue so your partner accepts you. Don’t show that, it’s vulgar, or different.

And so on.

Many forms of kink are about not just getting attention, but maintaining heightened amounts of attention (given and received) over time.

I don’t think all.


But many do seem to fit that category.

Do many of us in kink trade ourselves for the attention we crave?

I’ll cop to it. Yes.

But not just ANY attention. Attention of MY person/people.

What gets my kinky juices flowing is the deep need to be seen as I am. To be paid attention to. Small details noticed. Desired and cared for. Services provided based on an understanding and knowledge of ME and who I am as a human, as a woman, as a dominant and as a lover.

My name is Nookie, and I am an attention whore.

(And not just in kink! 1,100+ blogs and counting proves it, LOL!)

What are your thoughts?

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One Response

  1. “attention whore” used as a negative reveals disdain not only for attention needs, but for whoring as a means of energy exchange. I could describe you as a “focus connoisseur” or an “exceptional CEO of your Personal Brand, skilled in the masterful exchange of ideas and emotional currency” and it would mean the same as “attention whore”, but it sounds different.

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