“Go to events, young man.” <---NOT always the right advice.

“Go to events, young man.” <---NOT always the right advice.

In a recent writing, there was some discussion about how difficult it can be to go to events, and how going to events is a privilege.

After all, it’s true that going to events costs money, takes time, and there is often a dress code or invite list to get on. Maybe there is travel involved. Or, maybe all the people in your area are jerk wads.

Prefer to listen to the podcast? https://datingkinky.com/pod/go-to-events

You know what is also true?

That MOST people will want to connect with other people in human space, rather than online, because they trust in-person, face to face more. Even if they “meet” them online first.

AND many of those people will enjoy doing that at events, because they will be able to mix and mingle naturally, get introduced to others by friends, have the opportunity to observe people interacting with others, and so on.

Because when it comes down to it, that’s how humans are wired.

To connect in social groups, and use them for vetting and safety.

Not that there aren’t exceptions to that rule.

Of course there are.

And you may be the perfect exception for someone. However, if you choose to go that route, understand that you are reducing your chances.

It’s that simple.

There was a time when I was actively searching for submissive partners. And I was also busy. So, when people that seemed like they might have potential contacted me online, I would tell them they could meet me at an event. Usually the FemDom event hosted monthly in our local area for the past 18 years.

I did this for several reasons:

  1. I knew I was going to be there.
  2. I knew that even if they didn’t show, I’d have a great time with my friends.
  3. I knew that even if we didn’t get on well, I’d have a great time, AND they would also get to meet other amazing people.
  4. I would get to see them interact socially.

Only about 20% of them were willing to do that.

Of that 20%, even those that didn’t work out with me, they got to meet others, make friends, and enjoy an amazing experience.

80% of them just never met me. Never got their chance, even if I thought they had potential. Maybe they didn’t like play parties. Maybe they were not very social. Maybe they wanted to get me alone.

Doesn’t matter why. They made it clear that they were not a good match for me at the time—I wanted partners who would go to play parties with me.

My choice, their choice. 100% valid.

At that time, I was just not willing to meet people one on one.

I am, now. And I was way before that as well. After all, the reason I started going to events to begin with was:

  1. To meet people in person that I’d spoken to online.
  2. With someone that I’d originally met online, who wanted to take me to an event.

And this weekend, a story came up from WAY BACK. Like 2007, I think. Maybe 2008.

YAHOO Groups. Remember those? Anyone? Well, I’d found a local group online. The information said they were kinky folk looking for other REAL kinky folk, and they would expect to meet in person within a couple of weeks, and to please send an intro message to join.

I did, at 5:53am one morning.

In just 9 minutes, I got a reply back, saying “Nookie, you sound like a fun person. Would you like to come to Christmas Dinner this evening?”

I did.

Just me.

Well, to be fair, the return message also mentioned venison roast, so there was definitely bait.

And I met some of the most amazing people, some of whom are still dear friends. And those people introduced me to others, and connected me with a wider group/network in the local area that I had not yet explored.

LovingMaster45 who sent that invitation to dinner was at an event this weekend with us.

At that same event, I connected again with someone I met at the Raleigh Munch a couple of months ago. Introduced him to a few new people, suggested a couple more events—and one in particular—after watching him watching the goings-on.

And I’m pretty sure that will make some amazing connections for him. I know at least one person has reached out to me for his screen name, so they can connect further.

So yeah. Going to events can really turbo-charge your connecting and kinking.

And using online to meet people and set up connections before you even go is brilliant.

And using online to set up face-to-face meets as quickly as possible is also good, since humans connect better online with people they have met.

But you know what?

It’s harder, but connecting online without meeting (or meeting quickly) is also valuable.

One of my long-term partners approached me online, and it was a few months before we actually met. And even then, it was not often, since he’s about an hour away. Now, it’s been 5 years.

In 2017, I had the honor of meeting someone in London I had known online for several years, and he was just as lovely in person as I expected.

NO, you don’t have to go to events.

Many people live their kinky lives without ever going to play parties or kinky events.

And the people who are telling you to do that (or that you need to do that) are people like me, who have found that that works well for THEIR lifestyle.

And if you cannot go out for various reasons, or there is nowhere near you to go, or whatever, you will have to do it one at a time.

Which will usually take a bit longer.

Because you won’t have those mutual connections, those people to introduce you, those friends to say, “Hey, I met someone that I think you should know…”

And that’s OK.

If that’s what works for you, it shouldn’t matter how long it takes, right? Because you’re doing what feels right for you.

BUT, if you’re not going to events because you’re scared, or because you’re being stubborn, or whatever, maybe at least give it a try or several tries to find your kinky people before disqualifying it.

Or not.

Your choice.

What are your thoughts?

Do you go to events? Play parties, socials, munches, sloshes, meet-ups? Do you prefer one-on-one?

Do you have a group of kinky folk that feel like home to you, who are willing to introduce you and hang with you, and share thoughts with you? Or are you more of a lone wolf?

And is whatever your current state is working for you? Or would you like to try something else, maybe, if you can?

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