The AAR: After Action Report

The AAR: After Action Report

A lot is talked about in kink circles regarding negotiations. As it should be.

And some talk also note that after care is important too.

It is.

But what I rarely see discussed is the AAR: After Action Report. And it’s been a valuable tool for me since the very beginning.

Let me tell you a story:

When I was little baby kinkster, at the tender age of 19, I had found my home at The Vault in NYC.

It was dark. And sleazy. And fetish-y. And full of S&M—standing and modeling. And I loved it!

And I went every chance I got, to hang with the older queens in leather, to watch the demos. And to learn.

And one of my friends there was a leather Daddy. And he had the cutest slave boy. I swear, that boy made me a little jealous. I wanted one JUST like him. Except not gay. Into me.


Anyway, LD, as we’ll call him here taught me how to spank. Using SB’s adorable bottom.

(Now that I think about it, I realize that furry butt probably set the stage for my current partner, but I digress…)

And every weekend, we had a session, where SB offered his posterior to be paddled, and LD gave me tips on positioning, striking distance, hand shape and more.

It was fun.

Silly play for me.

For LD, though, this was serious stuff. And two days later, no matter what, SB would page me (LOL! NYC in the 90s—it was a thing) with his special code, and I would call, and he would give me his side of the AAR. He would ask for my experience, and LD might pop in to give me some additional tips or thoughts.


They didn’t call it the AAR. As far as I know, they didn’t call it anything, except the right thing to do.

It was an adorable military boy later in life that brought that term to me, and it stuck.

But I never forgot.

And even in vanilla-spaces, I practiced the AAR, when I was with a partner open to it. And I’ve noticed that those partners who participate fully in the AAR have been my best lovers.

Those who want to explore what I loved, and tell me what they loved. Who want to dissect what might have gone wrong and how to avoid it in the future. The ones who were willing to say (or hear) when something wasn’t perfect, but maybe we could try it again.

The others? Well, whatever their skill level, they were never part of The Great Lover Club (TGLC), for whatever reason.

(Well, except one. Mister Awesome Fucker. But he’s a force of nature. A freak of sex. He doesn’t count. LOL!)

But to me, it’s second nature.

Let’s enjoy ourselves together in kinky and sexy ways. Let’s take a bit of time to recover and regroup. Then, let’s talk about it.

And to me, that is a great way to learn together, to grow in our joy, and to connect and bond more deeply.

What about you?

Do you AAR? Have you? What have been your experiences?

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