Zach and I just answered the Kinky Question of the week: Sex on first date: Does it ruin the relationship, or potentially help strengthen the relationship?

(You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/nRtzsohtzys or listen to it here: https://podcast.datingkinky.com/e/rnkv2lm8 )

And, as always, we’d posed the question to the community to get your feedback, and quite a few of you responded with:

•What is a date?

•What if you had sex before the first date?

•Does anyone even date anymore?

Which all all valid questions. As I was mulling those over, I got a message from one of my muses, with the following:

I think there is an idea that the purpose of a date is that I ask you to participate in some event that I plan, and that if I do a good job you fuck me. No one is going to say it quite that bluntly, but that is the idea. I think that is a pretty terrible way to look at things in the 21st century, both because our ideas of consent and equality have evolved, and because so many people meet online these days. People are really confused too. I see question about dating on Quora, and people, young people in particular, don’t know what to do.

My first thought, is that if I’m meeting someone for the first time, it’s going to be some place very public and very casual. A coffee shop works great. I’m just vetting them, and seeing if there is any chemistry. I don’t know if most people would consider that a date, but if you do, then there isn’t going to be any sex. I also think that by the time you leave that meeting you should know if you’re interested in having sex (or some form of intimacy) with that person.

My next thought is that if you’re going to get together after that, and you want there to be sex, you should be explicit about it. Don’t netflix and chill me, because you know, if we are going to watch a movie, I want to watch the movie, and if we are going to watch a movie and fuck, I want to fuck first, so I’m not spending all the movie time thinking about sex. And if we are just going to watch a movie, I’d like to know that too. Or if you’re just interested in the sex, we can just fuck and not bother with the movie.

I like the idea of adventure. I like the idea of a date as an adventure. Like wouldn’t it be cool to go drive on the parkway, or run up to Green Bank and see the radio telescopes. Adventures often take time, enough time that sex is getting in the way because there isn’t a convenient time to do it. Now that that is always true, but it often is. Treating a date as a sexual opportunity, or as a sexual negotiation, is a great way to ruin a good date. It’s also unnecessary to be that coy about sex in this day and age. If you want sex on a date, first or otherwise, we can just ask for it.

And I asked if I could use this as the basis for a writing, because yeah, all that.

I like this idea for defining dates:

A set period of time to spend together intentionally.

For me, it is also something planned, and generally an experience or adventure beyond the usual.

I have date nights with my friends, to make sure that we have time to connect and enjoy each other’s company.

My partner and I have date nights that are designed to get us away from the day-to day.

However, I don’t agree that sex gets int he way of adventure, because sometimes adventure is sexual or kinky in nature for me.

Like in creating a special scene, or a night of dressing up and flirting and teasing and leading up to some red-hot sex.

With that said, I do agree that I’d rather speak up about my expectations and have my date mate speak up about any they might have.

But I’m sure there are people out there who will also prefer not knowing for sure.

So, that brings us back to you.

How would you define a “date” in 2021?