On November 17, 2021, Nookie presented the topic ‘Breaking Up is Hard To Do’ for Dating Kinky. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where Nookie talks about preparing for the break up conversation, so that you can break up as ethically and compassionately as possible.
So, TWO: Give the conversation that you’re going to have when it comes to breaking up—give it some thought.
Be ready to share positive sentiments about the relationship overall.
(And Ryan, if you could please put in the chat, the link to “Break up, do it now, before you don’t like each other” or whatever it is.)
If you don’t have positive sentiments about your relationship, when you’re breaking up, you stayed in it too long.
Always, always, always, break up with someone when you still like them. Well, when you still love them, but when you at least still like them, so you can share positive sentiments.
Don’t let it go so long that you fucking hate them.
Plan for that conversation to have a reaction from your partner: angry, sad, desperate, promising to change, whatever. Plan for those eventualities, and understand in your head that any of those might happen and what you might have to say in order to address them.
And if it helps, confide in someone you trust to talk it through.
To bounce ideas off of them.
Always, always always, and this goes to, I think it was Scott that was saying,
earlier, about ghosting.
Always, always, always, always, always do it in person and if possible don’t do it in public. Pick an appropriate setting where you can be private, where you can—you and your partner can be emotional. Where you can be vulnerable.
Unless, because again—these are generalities—unless for your mental health and well-being you have to do something else.
And I’m going to be very strong about that:
But if I’ve been an abusive asshole to somebody and the best way that they can protect their mental health is to ghost me, I hope they fucking ghost me.
I’m going to be that clear about it.
End of story.
Really, really, really important.
Or for physical safety, as Shane says, absolutely.
But, barring things like that—to be ethical, to be the most ethical—do it in person and if possible don’t do it in public. Okay?
Don’t make a scene and keep your bullshit to a minimum.
You have to acknowledge to yourself, and this, this goes into the, “give the conversation some thought” part…you have to acknowledge to yourself that you won’t be able to control THEIR reaction, but be prepared to keep your own bullshit to a minimum.
And I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’m going to do it:
Show up sober.
Gettin’ a lil tipsy a head of time or three sheets to the wind makes it a lot easier to say what’s on your mind if you know what I mean, but it’sh gonna be a lot harder to remember all the important shifffft.
Yeah, so do it sober, right?
Bring a clear mind.
A clear heart and a clear mind.
Accept that it’s probably going to be painful. For your partner at the very least, and
probably also for you.
So be ready to practice empathy and compassion both for your partner and for yourself.
In my life, I’ve done the breaking up for all of my long-term relationships. Anything more than 90 days or so.
I know that puts me in an unusual position.
It also means that I’ve put a lot of thought into breaking up with people, and because I do care about the people in my life, I’ve put a lot of thought into breaking up with people as compassionately as possible.
Just imagine that you love someone who moved across country for you, but after four years, it’s just not working for you.
It’s not easy to break up with them.
You still love them.
You don’t want to hurt them.
You want them to be happy and you want to be happy, too.
But you’ve realized that you believe happiness is not with them in the future, and they believe happiness is with you.
That’s pretty hard.
But you know what, that’s OK.
And by caring about them, and being there for them, and doing the best I could to be compassionate, well, we split up and were able to still love each other, to help each other move on, and to BOTH find amazing relationships that matched our needs better than anything we ever created, even at our best.
And I credit part of that with caring about how I broke up with them as much as the fact of breaking up.
What are your thoughts?
Have you ever navigated a compassionate break-up? Or had someone break up with you compassionately?
What were the main actions and thoughts that made a difference for you?