What is value, what is worth—in kink and love?

What is value, what is worth—in kink and love?

As I write this, I’m having a comments conversation on FetLife on one of my writings from last week.

It is seemingly highlighting a disconnect between what a person is WORTH to another person and what they get for that worth.

Like it’s a transaction that is equal to equal.

Which, to me, makes no sense.

Because what a person is worth to me does not change who I am as a human, what I am capable of, or what my limits and boundaries are.

Only I can do that.

And I love who I am.

So, why would I want to change who I am for someone?

And I might note, that if they are asking me to change my limits, they are not loving and accepting who I am, so where is MY worth in all that?

But that is a judgment call, and I really don’t want to focus on that line of thought.

It’s about ME.

My boundaries and my limits are really all about me. Whether they are about kink or about love/relationships. If they work for me, I keep them. If they don’t, or if I am dissatisfied with my results, I consider changing them.

But let’s circle back to worth and value.

Someone is valuable to me when I enjoy being around them. When I get far more from them than I put in (and vice versa). Therefore, they are worthy, and I spend time with them. I put effort into communication. I build relationships and connections. I (sometimes) have sex with them.

But change my limits? Move my boundaries? Become an entirely different person?


Not gonna happen.

And I can’t imagine why it would.

I’ve heard the argument that every relationship is based on TWO people’s needs and wants. I one hundred percent agree. That is evident to me.

But in those two people, my consent will always outweigh theirs. ALWAYS.

At least in the sense of my-consent-and-willingness-must-exist-to-care-about-whether-they-have-consent-and-willingness.

If I don’t want something, if it is 100% off the table, with no consent or desire (a hard limit) and that has been communicated, the fact that they want it does not require me to offer it or even think about it.


No matter how much I might love them.

No matter how worthy they are.

No matter how long I may have been with them (or how short a time).

And vice versa.

Just because I want something doesn’t mean I get it either. That is the whole point of relationships in my world. We connect, then the things we BOTH want, we do together and the things we don’t want are potentially open for negotiation, but may also be 100% off the table.

I have lived another way, and that just doesn’t work for me.

What are your thoughts?

Do you change for people you deem worthy? Do you change your boundaries for those who are “better” than others? Do you look for reasons outside yourself to make changes that affect your life and love, or is it an internal matter?

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