I’ve written about kinky references more than once.
There is this thing that is less than a reference, and more than nothing.
Twice in the past week (that I know of), someone specifically used my name to make contact with someone else.
I know about these two because the people contacted both contacted me to check in about it.
In one case, what I said and suggested was totally misrepresented.
In the other, it was happily done.
So, here is a run down of my personal dos and don’ts of making contact using my name:
Don’t say I told someone to contact you.
I didn’t. I may have suggested it, but I didn’t tell, command, or coerce. Take responsibility for your own choices, dammit.
- Don’t say I gave someone permission to contact you.
That’s implying an entitlement level I don’t have, even with my owned Pet. If someone ever asks for my permission, my answer is always, “______ is an autonomous person and can make their own decision about who they talk to,” or something very similar.
Don’t imply that I think any specific thing should come of the contact.
“Nookie said that you liked me and would go out with me and see how things go.” No. Just no. I would never make a personal decision like that for anyone.
Don’t exaggerate what I said to make you look better.
It won’t, especially if the person you are contacting reaches out to me. I will tell them exactly what I said. When it doesn’t match, you’ll look like a blowhard idiot.
Do feel free to use my name when I suggest you make contact.
Even better, when I say, “You can tell them that I suggested you make contact.” I like to connect people that I think would make fascinating penpals/friends/playmates/lovers/whatever, and I love getting a small amount of nod for it.
Do feel free to say what I said about them and about you.
And why I thought contact would be a good idea. For example, “Nookie thought you and I would connect over our mutual love of the the sexual perversities of bumblebees in the wild,” or “Nookie mentioned that you are an awesome person and that we might get along.”
Do throw in something making it clear they can contact me for verification.
Like, “She’d said you can reach out to her, if you have any questions about why she suggested the connection.”
And if someone reaches out to you using my name (or any name, really), vet their claims.
Check on them.
They offered the information for a reason. If it’s impressive, or it makes you feel somewhat safer, or whatever, vet that shit.
I’m happy to offer any/everything I personally KNOW about a person, and always happy to direct you to someone for more, if I only have things I’ve heard.
Even if I don’t know you.
And if you’re going to contact someone on my relationship list using my name, you can damn well bet they know me well enough to check in with me and verify that, so if it’s bullshit, they are going to know.
So, sure, drop my name, if you think it’ll get you somewhere.
I mean, if my name has ever gotten anyone into anyone’s panties, I’d sure like to know who that worked with.
I’ll mention you sent me.