There has been a kerfuffle locally. Someone that hosted some pretty larger parties over the years has been accused of some heinous things.

And the blame is flying.

Everyone who attended a party or called them friend is assumed to have been part of the cover up. Because, “Well, of COURSE they knew…”

Sure.

OF COURSE.

Because YOU know everything about everyone you know, right?

Let’s take a simple example: How long were you in your last long-term relationship? A few months? A few years? A couple decades?

How long into that relationship did it take you to realize the really negative things you learned about your partner?

I know for me, it took YEARS before I saw the asshole inside the man I spent my life with. More years before I saw his mental illness come to the fore. And still more (after we split) before I knew the extent of everything that people were trying to protect me from.

And somehow people think that kinky folk who spent maybe a few casual hours at a party with 30-120 other people with them MUST have known that they were a BAD HOOMAN and that they were nefariously covering up awful stuff?

No.

That’s not how things work.

Let’s be clear…

People are not the same.

That may be obvious, but it’s not, because even though people realize that other people don’t feel the same way they do, they often think people THINK the same way they do, so they misattribute wrongness to ignorance, or meanness to cluelessness.

I’ve been misunderstood enough times in my life that I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to others, and to ASK when I can, instead of assuming.

Sometimes I also get that wrong, LOL!

But I do try to connect with people where they are, rather than simply thinking I know how they must be thinking or feeling.

And I’ve found this to be an amazing and useful skill to develop.

Not just for community, but for my relationships. In fact, I’ve written about it before (a few times):

• I Assume You Like Me, Until You Tell Me Otherwise (https://datingkinky.com/blog/i-assume-you-like-me-until-you-tell-me-otherwise/)
• Assume It’s Not Worth Getting Upset About (Thoughts on Communication, Part IV) (https://datingkinky.com/blog/not-worth-getting-upset/)
• Why We Don’t Assume Our Partners’ Thoughts (https://datingkinky.com/blog/communication/why-we-dont-assume-our-partners-thoughts/)

What are your thoughts?

Have you fallen into the trap of assuming intentions, and found out later that you were wrong? Have you had the same thing done to you?

How did it feel from either side?

What could you do or have you done to try to avoid similar misunderstandings moving forward?

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NOTE: Yes, when people DO KNOW and they help cover up bad things or turn a blind eye, it’s awful and shitty. I’m just saying let’s make sure that they did, rather than assuming that there was badness by association.