It’s a fucking insidious evil thing.

And it’s so easy. And sometimes not even a conscious habit.

Worse, it’s often hard to tell when it’s intentional, and when it’s not.

Let’s talk about the ways sex can be used to hurt and harm within a relationship:

Withholding Sex

This is the trickiest one, in my view, because libido is something that is complexly difficult to understand, even when (especially when?) it’s our own.

The idea of withholding sex in a relationship is (rightly so) vilified. It’s practically a cliché when talking about marriage and long-term love.

Which is valid, because it happens.

Libidos also fail us for various reasons: hormones, poor diet, built-up sorrows/resentments, mental illness…

Heck, did you know that according to science, you can actually shut off a woman’s libido like turning off a faucet by hurting her feelings?

(Well, many women. Non-kinky, not into degradation and what-not, which, BTW, even those INTO that can have their feelings hurt in non-kinky ways, and can experience the same thing. Just like a masochist can stub their toe and not enjoy it, even when they love to be flogged bloody.)

While I’ve not seen science to the effect, I’d say that it can likely happen with other genders, too.

The difference, in my view, between withholding sex as a manipulative tactic and just not being in the mood, or having other issues is whether an effort is made to find a solution, to create alternatives, and to continue showing love.

Withholding sex as manipulation is a shitty thing to do.

Even though it is your right, of course.

Caveat: In any case, sex is a difficult subject for me when it comes to holding back, as I pretty much always want sex and sexual touch as a core of my relationships. I’ve always wanted it more than any long-term partner I’ve been with, except, perhaps, my current Pet.

Manipulating Sexual Desire

Using sexual desire to get what you want in a relationship is part of what I do for fun.

Luckily, lots of people enjoy the way I do this, and give me consent to do it.

And that’s the right way to manipulate sexual desire. Or at least the ethical way.

And then, there’s the other way. The full onslaught of sexuality with no intent to complete, and no consent granted.

This is the bait-and-switch that incels have complained about since before there were incels. “Blue balls!” the war cry.

And while finding out that sex has been offered but not intended is bad, not stopping with a “No” is worse.

Making both people shitty humans.

Let me be clear: manipulating someone’s sexual desire with no intent to follow-through is shitty behavior.

So is not stopping when you no longer have consent.

Of the two, the second is the more shitty, sure.

And often happens when someone THINKS another is coming on to them, even when they are not.

But that’s not what we’re talking about right now. I just wanted to clarify.

Using someone’s sexual desire for you to manipulate them is shitty behavior.

Humiliating Someone About Their Sexual Abilities Or Desires

Again, this is something I do for fun.

Not always. In fact, humiliation used to be a hard limit for me, and I practice it only with people I’ve really gotten to know and enjoy in my life.

And again, I do this with CONSENT.

In fact, I do it only by request.

With negotiation.

Making fun of someone’s sexuality, physical attributes, or skills in the sack without consent is shitty.

100%.

Making someone feel bad because they don’t live up to your standards in whatever is shitty.

Negotiating a scene so BOTH of you get some super awesome thrills from some humiliation play? Not shitty.

Right?

Because in all of these cases, the difference is in the meaning.

I’m not in the mood, but I can offer love and affection.

I will manipulate the fuck out of you with my blatant sexuality, because you have given me permission (begged me) to do so. And I will stop if you ever revoke that permission.

I will humiliate you for my pleasure. Tease you with a smile about your “inadequacies” and “shortcomings,” while loving you deeply, and again, stopping whenever you safeword or simply say, “You know what? I think I’m not really into that, anymore.”

Because I’m not using sex as a weapon.

I’m using it as a tool. To build something greater between and for the two of us.

I’m not trying to cut you down, to take from you, or to harm you.

And that is the difference.