Of course, the original is, “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” but online, there’s not much fighting. There is, however, a lot of hate.

Sniping hate, sent from mostly anonymous keyboards.

It’s part of what I’ve disliked about dating sites since the earliest days of dating sites.

And it seems totally counter-intuitive.

I mean, do people really think that the best way to connect with others is to be hateful? And even when it’s not someone you want to connect with, why even? Just to feel smugly superior?

I got quite a few replies to my email Monday. I’d like to share snippets from two of them with you:

“This campaign that you have been active with lately, where you are reaching out to people, is awesome. I do not know what feedback you have received so far, and I know that most people just do not give any feedback, so I wanted to be one of those that do. You are showing a human face, you are proving yourself capable of mature thinking and also capable of putting the thinking down into lucid words. That helps build up confidence around your person.
That’s all.
I hope it makes you feel good.
Success with your endeavors.”

“Seriously, I see these updates and at this point, I have to laugh. On get there was a post to your group in July asking about the V3 launch. It’s almost the end of September and you have not even replied to that question!
Now, after everyone has been asking for a working search since day one, you are going to talk about DK as a brand and having it be about more than dating. Really?
It used to be frustrating, now it’s just funny.
I had hopes for this site…had.”

Now, if you were looking for someone to get to know, which would you choose based on their words, without knowing anything else about them?

And sure, the second writer has a point. Of COURSE they do. As I’ve said, this project has been a challenge for me. I’ve poured time and money and heart and soul into this, and I’ve failed a lot.

Thing is, I’m still working on it.

And I’m excited about where things are going.

And I’m sharing that with you.

And people sending me hate mail is not gonna stop me.

It will, though, likely stop them.

Because like kindness, hate is a habit. And it shows through in so many parts of your life, even when you don’t mean it to. Because it becomes part of you. part of how you see the world. And then you leak.

And people see that ickiness inside you that you were trying to hide.

And that eventually leads to a nasty cycle of feeling rejected, and hating more, and getting rejected, and feeling it and hating more and…

One of the things I’d LOVE for Dating Kinky is to encourage people to be kind to each other.

Yes, I know there will be some who bring their hate.

And I hope, as we grow and V3 comes out, that you’ll help me target those people and let them know that hatefulness is not welcome.

After all, if you’re not interested, you can pass on by.

Or Decline & Block.

And you can focus on the positive, loving connections you are looking for.

Or not. That’s your right. However, if you’re gonna be a jerk to others, the way some of you are to me (I’ve gotten some pretty nasty ones in my day), I sure do hope they report you.

Because you don’t belong on Dating Kinky.

Nookie
“Being A Butthead Won’t Get You A Date”

P.S. Back in April I wrote a piece about how we leak power when we are nasty online, and some alternatives. You may enjoy it: Pssst! You’re Leaking Power.