So, I’m going to tell you a story. It’s not my story, but I’ve had more than a few of these. I’m sure you have, too.
A couple started playing with a female submissive. She would come to their home and they always had a great time. She was a college student, nice and easy to get along with.
One time when the third visited, she said she uses an illicit drug, as well as deals in it. It helps pay her college bills.
The man didn’t ever want her in their house again and said that he considered her one of the lowest life forms of because the product she peddles kills people.
His partner accused him of unfairly judging the third. She said that the third doesn’t bring this illicit drug into their house.
The man showed his partner numerous webistes of what this drug does to people. It’s the second most addicting drug and destroys the body and mind.
His partner said that the third isn’t responsible for other people’s choices.
They have fought over this around and around, never reaching agreement. The arguments got more entrenched, neither willing to budge. And the pain of accusations was hurting both of them.
So, what to do?
When I’ve been in this situation before, it’s seemed almost impossible. to solve from the inside. Then, I realized that it’s really quite simple.
There are two things that need to be decided:
1. Is the third still allowed into the house?
2. How are decisions made in your relationship?
The second question needs to be answered first, because that will inform the decision.
So, he needs to forget trying to win the argument with facts on websites. That’s using logic and science to win an argument of emotion.
What is missing here is the process of listening to one another, regardless of the outcome.
Take a break, let tempers cool. Do not discuss it for 2-3 days. Make this a policy. Set a time to come back to it.
BOTH of you write answers to the following questions (the first three may be two or five, or whatever you think may help you get to the heart of the issue, the last is needed customized for each situation):
- How would I feel if the playtimes were to continue?
- How would I feel if they were to stop?
- Why does it matter to me so much whether they continue or not?
- Is it OK to continue playtimes when one partner does not consent?
Once you’re through writing, swap writings and read each other’s POV. Then resume discussing.
Let’s talk a bit more about number 4.
This is the key in many arguments that can stop them in their tracks. Really, why would you ever want to choose a path in a long-term relationship that would make your partner feel uncomfortable?
Let’s say you HAVE to, for your own happiness or financially.. That’s where 1-3 come into play.
Number 4 cuts to the heart of the matter. However, the discussion around 1-3 is handled will make the difference in moving forward with resentments or happily.
Remember, the final result itself is not as important as how good both of you feel about it. Make an effort to understand your partner, and make sure your partner understands you.
A few tips:
- Use calm language. “I consider her one of the lowest life forms because the product she is peddling kills people.” is over-the-top. Simply saying that he don’t approve of her choices and he feels unsafe with her in their home should be enough to say what needs to be said.
- Judgements are not necessary. This can make people feel defensive.
- Do your best to understand your partner’s point-of-view, and see it not as wrong, but as valid and different from your own.
- If you know one partner is going to be unhappy with the decision, whichever way it goes, then discuss how critical the issue is, how much upset it will cause, and discuss whether there are measures that can be put into place to help balance those out.
It’s not easy.
Not at all.
Luckily, it is simple. Just follow the steps. It’s often not easy to go through with all of it, and really try to see the other person’s POV. It is rewarding, and it breaks those unending round-robin arguments.
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