Someone said to me today in a message, “You really are the sweetest Domme ever…”

This is not the first time I’ve heard this or something like it. In fact, I’ve been mistaken for submissive by both dominants and submissives, because I guess I don’t act as a typical dominant woman ‘should,’ whatever that means. Those who know me well don’t make that mistake.

Not to say I can’t be a bitch, but I do try to reserve that for people who actually deserve that side of me.

I just have specific beliefs about submissive in general that guide my behavior at all times. In my world, submissives are:

1. Human
2. Friends
3. Lovers
4. Submissives+

The number 4 there does not make the submissive part less important. In fact, because it is more specific, it is more important.

It’s like family, genus, species, individual. Each are important classifications, but the individual is the most critical, in the long run. That is the most specific bit, that separates you as you from another human.

By having these priorities, even before I know a submissive, he/she is human to me, and worth the same shot as anyone at getting to know me and being my friend. The idea of them being submissive or dominant or whatever is usually only known by chance, and not by specific design (meeting on FL or another kink site, for example, that cleverly allows us to label ourselves).

Once I know a human, and accept them as a friend, they have inherent value, and they gain my protective instinct, my care, chance at conversation and time together, etc. You have to be at least my friend for non-sexual playtime, and that will generally be in public.

If I choose a friend as a lover, it is because they have earned my trust, and have gained my intimacy.

If I take a friend/lover as a submissive, they are of the utmost value, because I want only the best, and they are being trusted to take care of and control certain aspects of my life for/with me.

So, I see no need, in any of that philosophy, to be mean or degrading, to deny a submissive anything I would deny a friend or lover (except as the dynamic demands it and grows), and indeed, I would give a submissive more than I would give a vanilla lover and expect more from them in return.

+ Just to be clear, I feel the same way about any “label” in kink or otherwise, dom, top, sub, switch, kinkster, gay, strainght, bi, etc. This just happens to be about submissive/slave types.