What if I’m ashamed about my kink?

Ah. Shame.

Normally, I’m a fan of emotions, even those we might usually think of as negative, like anger, or jealousy. They are always there to tell us something.

And, to be fair, shame is the same.

But it’s…well, it feels gross. Dirty. No redeeming qualities.

At least to me.

I’m not a fan.

I’ve read that, “Shame means ‘I am bad.’ Guilt means ‘I did something bad.’”

I think it’s a HUGE leap to decide that you as a person are bad for a single kink or thought. Or even a cluster of them.

Regardless, shame is an emotion. And emotions exist to call our attention to things we might need to think about, pay attention to, or fix.

So, if you’re feeling shame about your kink, dive into it, and ask yourself some questions:

• What is shame to you?
• How do you know you are feeling shame, specifically, instead of another emotion? Pay attention not just to the mental effects, but also the physical sensations.
• How does shame affect how you see yourself?
• How is shame tied to your past? Maybe how you were raised?
• Is the shame YOUR shame, or are you feeling it because you have been told that something is shameful or wrong?
• Can you find anything or anyone who will tell you or make a good argument that you need feel no shame for your kink?
• How are you speaking to yourself when you feel shame?
• Are you feeling fear along with your shame? What is that fear telling you?
• What triggers your shame?
• Does your kink harm others?
• Sometimes shame is an excuse that we cling to, to avoid doing something we fear. Is your shame a crutch?
• Are you willing to share your shame? Perhaps anonymously? Sometimes, just getting it out there and getting feedback can make all the difference.
• What is GOOD about your kinks? What is GOOD about you?

And, after all this, maybe find someone you can talk to and talk through your feelings of shame, and maybe discuss how to move past them, to feel good about who you are and what your desires are.

The community says:

I used to tell people to check out tumblr, but now I offer reddit, or even instagram. Seeing other people that share their kink/s and are Proud of it may help others normalize their fetish and make them understand why they’re into what they’re into.

— QueenCottonCandy, 28F, switch

Acknowledge their feelings. Summarize back to them what they are saying. Sometimes hearing our words from someone else helps process them. Ask questions to help you both understand better where the shame is coming from. Figuring out the source can help overcome it or come up with a plan to. If willing/able offer them a safe space to explore it or refer to someone that might be able to do so. Even if the person wants to play in this manner, I would be hesitant before the steps are taken. Without a better understanding it could be easy to make this situation worse for them. I am not a therapist and don’t want to fuck peoples heads up causing them psychological trauma. Once there is a better understanding of the source, I can help come up with a way to slowly create positive experiences but they should be actively involved in that plan. There may be times when I would recommend therapy and/or have to say no to playing with someone if I feel it will not benefit either of us.

— LovinD, 36 nonbinary, Dominant

Kink affirmative therapy. Reading the book when someone you love is kinky.

— Lady Supernova, 33F, Dominant

It depends on the person and the kink. If it’s a normal-ish but taboo kink that many people have as hard limits (say, for instance scat or blood play), I’d simply say it’s not for everyone, but there’s someone for everyone, and that there may be elements you can incorporate even if it’s not your partner’s kink if they are willing. Anything done with mutual consent is not inherently shameful.

If it’s something that 99.999% of people don’t consider to be a kink (ie involves animals or children or participants that can’t consent), it’s a very different story though.

If they were ashamed of kink in general?

“Honey. This is the best club around. Go check out these events and find your people. You won’t regret it.”

— LadyBu, F, Brat

It does depend on the kink. As some kinks have a larger community and support system than other kinks. If the kink is very rare and something that is a hard limit for a lot of people, I could see it being a bit difficult to comfort them. I think Dan Savage has written articles that people don’t choose their kinks or fetishes. They get imprinted on us early, and we just have to find others that are interested in the same thing.

— Grafinya, Switch