Can kink bring my partner and me closer?

Yes it can.

It does not always.

After all, not everyone is kinky, or cut out for a kinky relationship. And kink is no panacea.

But it can.

And when it does, it can feel miraculous. Amazing. Like nothing else.

So much so, that many people credit kink for creating the best relationships they have ever had.

I get it.

My kink relationships are deeper and more intimate than any other relationships I’ve ever experienced. More authentic, more honest. Hotter and sexier. More adventurous. More of everything good, really.

And less of everything bad.

But is that because kink is magical, full of glitter and rainbows and the ability to make everything better?

Or is it because it’s a good fit for me?

I’ll go with the latter.

The ‘We Are Special Because We Are Kink’ Bullshit

I read a writing today.

It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. It’s not good to see it based on this concept:

“Anyone in a long term, committed kink relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.”

Really?

WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?

Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing

Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:

Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

Let me explain a bit…

So many people come into this lifestyle (any lifestyle, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.

Most come here with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.

Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.

They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”

And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.

They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.

Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty that they have never experienced before.

And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.

Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicized, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.

That is confirmation bias.

You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.

And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU.

After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”

And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.

However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into.

That’s just wrong.

But… The TRUST!

Aside from the acknowledged power exchange or kink/fetish, a vanilla relationship and a kink relationship by definition do not have other differences.

Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.

Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.

Same as a marriage with children minus the children.

Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in kink as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.

Logically:

There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001% of you, of your trust, of your effort. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is.

Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.

Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that there is greater good for you in it?

Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, kink or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.

I Call Bullshit

I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as kink people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.

I do believe that coming into the world of kink, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.

And many put it into practice for the first time.

However, I know personally, plenty of relationships in kink that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.

I’m even willing to go so far as to say that kink communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in kink relationships, because of making it a priority.

But we are NOT the only ones. I promise you that.

And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.

Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.

Do What Works

This is one of my mottos. I’ve already talked about this here. And I’m stating for the record:

If your kink relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world.

I’m happy for you.

Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.

So, how do we get closer?

The same way you would in any relationship—friendship, siblinghood, parenthood, love—by doing things together.

Be honest. Honesty leads to vulnerability. Being vulnerable with each other, and sharing who you are as people can bring you much closer together.

Explore together. Try new things together, and grow in what you enjoy and know.

Trust. This is difficult for many, especially those who have been hurt. And yet, it’s necessary to do what we do in kink, and to bring us closer together. Now, note that I didn’t say to trust blindly. Don’t do that. Get to know people, and extend your trust a bit at a time, watching who they are.

Serve. Regardless of what kind of kink you’re into, you’re going to end up serving. A dominant serves their submissive with leadership and guidance, and a firm hand. A submissive serves with their actions, doing the dishes, offering themselves, and etc. All of us have the opportunity to serve our communities and our friends. Service connects us and makes us closer.

Ask questions. Get to know each other in every area you can. With openness and honesty, this can go a long way towards bringing you closer to each other than you’ve ever been to anyone. And of course, I mean kinky questions, but I also mean non-kink. Ask them all.

The community says:

I like the heightened level of trust shown through BDSM. It takes a lot of trust to let someone make you helpless and then do what they want to you.

—Bulldog44, 47M, Evolving

It does bring us closer since W/we have combined M/s dynamic with O/our relationship, having the best things of both worlds. W/we were having a very interesting conversation, prior to O/our anniversary this week, stemming from a conversation i had with some vanilla folk where W/we realized that in order to have deepness and fluidity in O/our relationship, O/our dynamic needs to complement it and help U/us both in O/our growth as partners and individuals. Plus it’s fun for U/us both to enjoy O/our lifestyle, kinks and M/s together 24/7.

— KieranLilith/Yaime Ramos, 29F, owned and collared alpha submissive