What is kinky, anyway?

If you go to google right now and type in “define kinky,” you’ll get the following two definitions:

• involving or given to unusual sexual behavior
• having kinks or twists

For my site, Dating Kinky, I created my own definition that combined the two, and throws in a bit more for fun:

Kinky is something greater than the straight and narrow, a flexibility, in how you view and navigate the world. Kinky is different than your average person, opened up to more possibilities, especially (but not necessarily) in relation to sex.

Simple, right?

But kink is more than that.

To some, being kinky is a way of life, with a set of rules and expectations, and those rules and expectations vary from person to person, group to group, and region to region.

People bring their own thoughts and definitions to kink, just like we do with religion or politics, giving them our own personal spin and views.

The community says:

Kink is a way to express one’s sexuality and creativity sometimes together, sometimes not. Kink is a mental exercise in exploring different ideas of what giving, taking and sharing pleasure is. Kink is an adult form of play, with much fun to be had among expressive and creative friends!

— Miss_S_, 42F, Dom

Hands down the biggest misconception is that we’re all doing orgies all the time. I wish!

Another one I get frequently is newbies thinking everyone is into golden showers / scat / etc. I think they’ve seen a bit too much of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

In general, vanilla people think they are kinkier than they really are and most of us forget how kinky we are to the vanilla world. I sometimes think I am definitely not that kinky when seeing others play, but then I start gushing about buying a new tens unit or doing some fear play and people tell me that I am kinkier than them.

I guess it all has to do with the fact that things that are taboo in certain cultures are really not for another. I’ll gladly donate my blood to be drank but god forbid someone asks me to insert anything in their ass.

— Lady_Omega / Naomy Quiñones, 28GQ, Disciplinarian

What is kinky for one person may seem totally ‘de rigeur’ for another.

So, how do we know?

We don’t. Not really.

But in this book, I’m going to help you explore many of the ideas around kink and kinky people, and give you some tools and resources to define kinky for yourself.

If you have a friend or partner or someone you know who is kinky, this book will hopefully help you start a conversation with them that might help you understand how they define kinky for themselves, or what they might be asking you to enjoy with them.

Perhaps it will help you ask the right questions, and give you enough of a foundation to really listen with an open mind.

Or not.

Which is also your right.

Maybe all of this is too weird for you. Or just not your style.

THAT’S OK.

You have a right to choose for yourself, just like others do.

And while I can’t imagine living without some kink in my life, I would never think I have the right to decide others’ lives for them.

As you get started in this book, here are a few thought exercises:

• Is oral sex kinky?
• Is anal sex kinky? What if it’s pegging?
• Is dressing as a member of a different gender kinky?
• Are watersports kinky?
• Is group sex kinky?
• What is kinky to you?

Let’s Discuss!

What are YOUR answers to the thought exercises? What is kinky to you?