We remake others (or want to) without consent.

We remake others (or want to) without consent.

I saw a post on FB a few days ago that started like this:

“Men do not date for compatibility. Because they don’t feel that they have to. And unfortunately they are correct. Think about it. Why would they put in the effort to seek out genuine compatibility with women when they know they can just make any woman be the exact type of woman they want her to be? Men 100% expect women to compromise.

Instead of a man searching for a woman who is his type authentically, he will just meet any woman who he finds physically attractive and then totally disregard what makes her who she is as he knows he can just build her into the type of woman he prefers.

What makes this reality even more annoying is that this would never ever apply vice versa.

In fact, I have tested this out on more than one occasion with men.

There have been times where I would state my “preferences” to a man (making sure those preferences contradict the specific man I’m testing out) just to examine his response.

So I know firsthand that men do not respond like women would respond. The men respond by still trying to get the woman to compromise.”

Except that it does happen vice-versa.

A LOT.

In fact, it doesn’t matter which gender is expecting and which is conforming, it happens across the board. In multiple ways.

And the primary reason it happens?

Crappy boundaries and no/poor relationship negotiation.

And no single gender has corned the market on those. I promise you.

Sure, in my experience this is true in the earlier stages of a relationship in traditional vanilla (and masculine-led or equal relationships). But I know PLENTY of people who “settle” for good enough, then go about changing them to match “their potential,” or to fit their needs.

Classic fixer-upper, because of course, we know better, right?

Wait.

WHO knows better?

Do you think someone knows who you should be better than you do? Do you think anyone should get into a relationship with you intending to change you to meet their needs/expectations?

(I know some of you will answer in the affirmative, and that’s OK—as long as you choose the person you allow to do that carefully.)

AND, let’s say you think that is OK, do you negotiate what is/isn’t OK to change?

I think in kink we are MORE aware of that, but negotiating a relationship and discussing boundaries outside of kink/sex still seems to be pretty rare. I’d love to see it done far more often.

But yeah.

And let me say this: ANYONE can be this person (and two of these people can get together and battle for control—I’ve seen it happen), but if you have your own boundaries in order, they will NOT be able to be this person with YOU.

What are your thoughts?

Ever met that person of any gender? (I have.)

Ever found yourself being that person? (I have.)

Have you ever negotiated (and renegotiated) a relationship, to help avoid that? (I have, LOL!)

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