On February 22, 2021, Nookie presented the topic “Defuckify Your Dating” for Dating Kinky’s Kinky Dating Something Something & Love Blah Blah Blah Event. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).

Here is a clip from that 4 Hour show (in two two-hour presentations), where Nookie covers how lying on our dating profiles or in a relationship kills any chance at real authentic connection and love.

Transcript:

So, verily tell truthfully the story of your life and what I mean by that is: be honest.

You don’t have to tell everybody everything, but don’t lie. Because as soon as you lie, you have doomed your potential relationships from the start. I say more in the book (Dating Kinky) about that topic, but
that’s the core of it.

As soon as you lie to somebody, you have doomed that relationship, period—and destroyed it.

Because you got to maintain that, you got to remember that lie. You’ve got to track it.

And do you want somebody lying to you?

Seriously?

I’m pretty sure that if I ask you what is, you know, your major priority in a relationship? Most of you are going to list honesty as one of your top five. Right?

Honesty authenticity, genuine connection.

How can you have a genuine connection if you’re connecting as someone who don’t exist?

Right?

And as soon as you lie, as soon as you lie, you’re attracting the wrong person for you.

Think about it! As soon as you put a lie in there (your dating profile) about who you are, you’re attracting the person who wants somebody that you are not.

Holy fuck!

And we do this to ourselves, right? We’re crazy.

And why do we lie?

We lie when we’re afraid, that we’re not going to get what we want with the truth. But if we get what we want through a lie, it’s incredibly insidious because then we know we believe that the only reason we’re getting what we want is not because we deserve it, but because we pretended to be somebody else.

And yes, Martin, you included ashamed in there.

Yeah, I think of shame as like a deep fear.

What are your thoughts?

I talk a lot about lying and how it erodes not only other’s faith in us and our relationships, but our faith in ourselves, and I get a lot of push back.

When is it OK to lie in a new relationship or on your dating profile, if ever? When does a lie do good?

Have you ever lied, maybe even a little white lie, and discovered that you were trapped? Or realized that you were now having to pretend to be someone you were not? Or maybe wondered if people would still love you if they knew the truth?