In fact, it’s not really about me.

In fact, it’s not really about me.

I’m in negotiations for a pretty amazing (I hope) play session at a getaway in March. We’ve started early, and we’ve been exploring ideas and possibilities.

They said to me:

I really want to see your style of [activity]. My belief is that you give what you like to receive.

I get that.

It’s probably true with many people.

Not with me.

And I think not with a lot of people into power dynamics in kink, either. Because giving what we want to receive would be…impossible. Giving pain and dominance would not translate at all to what I enjoy. shudders

But outside of kinky exchanges, I do think many people naturally give what they want to receive from others. In relationships, in casual encounters, and in sex.

And I also feel that most of the time, that’s a mistake.

Because it’s creating covert contracts without even really thinking about it or realizing it. Somewhere in your mind, where you do the autopilot stuff, you have the pattern, “If I do this for them, they will do that for me.”

And BAM!

A recipe for disappointment and misunderstanding.

Have you heard of the five love languages?

https://5lovelanguages.com

Do you know why they are important? Not because they are 100% spot on, or because they cover every possibility.

But because they prove to people who love each other that they often speak different languages and encourage communication, so each can speak to the other in the BEST and most understandable way possible.

Well, the same holds true in many other situations. There is also an apology language. But what about a casual friendship language? Or a language of work/collaboration? I know for sure there is a sex language. And that it can also change according to mood and partner.

So, watching what I do to someone else may be hot, it is not necessarily a key to my own eroticism. Because what I do when I’m doing is not what I necessarily love when being done to. And what I do with one person is not necessarily what I will love doing to another. Receiving is different with different people, too.

I mean, if you’re watching to see how much I care about my partner’s pleasure, and how I pay close attention to their reactions, and how I change my rhythms to match their needs, or pause to tease int he middle because I know they love to have their pleasure snatched away and built back up…

If you’re watching to see how I communicate sexually to improve pleasure and compatibility, then by all means, enjoy.

But don’t think that because I pull his hair and take him hard from behind that that’s what I want from you.

Or that it’s not.

smiles

What are your thoughts?

Do you give sex/kink only in ways that you enjoy receiving? Do you usually give sex/kink to others in ways that you don’t often enjoy receiving?

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