Someone in a kinky Facebook group I’m in asked:

How do your spot the fake dominants or submissives? What are the signs for you?

I don’t try to determine if someone is fake or not.

All that matters is if they are right or wrong for me.

Because someone who is wrong for me, who I might see as “not submissive,” might be perfect for another and totally subby to them.

And that’s OK.

I am not the Grand High Poohbah of the kinky world.

And neither are you. There is no supreme leader of kink. There is no WON TWOO WAY.

There is what works for us and what doesn’t.

And there is paying attention to what people do and say and measuring that against what we believe, want, and need. And deciding if that works for us.

That’s it.

Oh. That’s not it, actually.

There is also taking ownership of that decision, even if we fuck up and realize that we made a mistake. There is learning from it, and there is moving forward and making better choices.

But to try to decide who is fake or not? Nah.

Not my call. Not anyone’s, in my view.

What are your thoughts?

Do you have any tips to help people decide what works for them and what doesn’t (with a minimum of hard lessons learned)?