They say that when the sex is great, it’s 20% of a relationship, and if it’s not going so well, it’s 80%.
They have a point, although I’d modify it a bit.
It’s not so much about the number of orgasms, or the skillset—that can be learned.
It’s about the overall sexual compatibility.
- Does it feel like a metric fuck-ton of orgasms raining down upon your body or at least like it has the potential to become fucking fantastic with practice together?
- Do you have similar sex drives (from asexual to want-it-damn-near-every-minute-and when-i-don’t-want-it-i-want-to-talk-about-it-and-how-we-can-make-it-even-better-next-time)?
- Are you at comparable levels of ease related to TALKING about and discussing sex?
- Do you like a significant enough number of the same things related to sex that you have plenty of room to grow and explore together for however long you imagine your relationship to last, or to whatever level you’d like to attempt?
- And most of all, are you lacking disgust or disdain for their sexual interests?
If you have all these, then sex and it’s related issues will likely be about 20% of your relationship compatibility.
If you’re majorly questionable on any of these, then the issues you have related to and around sex will likely become 80% of your relationship.
Not that you will necessarily mean it that way. Or that it will be obvious.
But that resentments, insecurities, fears, and hurt will color every disagreement you have.
Sure, people get around this.
Some say to their partner, “I love you and I want you to be happy. Do that, and let’s enjoy what we continue to have together,” and sometimes that works.
Often, it does not, because, well, humans are imperfect, and resentments, insecurities, fears, and hurt can still color our reactions and responses.