Recently I wrote about those people who message others on kinky/dating/other sites, and instead of introducing themselves, start with something a bit more…advanced:
“Hi, can we be friends?”
“Hi, could I be your slave?”
“Hello, do you need someone to worship you?”
“I will lick you head to toe.”
And a favorite I didn’t add last time:
“Down on your knees sl*t, and take this big…”
(Prefer to listen to the podcast? https://datingkinky.com/pod/they-know)
Anyway, I had a bit of fun with it, and someone chided me for it, saying that if they were one of the “awkward people” who sent messages like this they wouldn’t feel good reading that writing.
I responded that they are not supposed to feel good about that behavior.
They are supposed to realize that getting messages like that feels icky to most people, and that it’s unlikely to get them what they want, if what they want is a genuine connection
I don’t write to coddle people who make others uncomfortable. I write to share a viewpoint, and give them tools and ideas on doing (and more importantly) being better.
I had more to say at the time, but it inspired this post, so I saved it until I could organize my thoughts.
Yes, there are people with different brains who literally go from 0-60 without an ability to slow down, and who simply cannot understand that they are making people uncomfortable, and couldn’t change that even if they wanted to. They are the same offline as they are on, and their life is probably challenged because of it.
I understand that.
I’m guessing those people, though make up less than .01% of the people I’ve received those kinds message from online.
Because most of these people DO know how to interact with people they don’t know.
They do it every day online and off.
They introduce themselves, they say “Hello,” and they don’t launch into a 3-page erotic story about what they would do to me if I were in the hospital in traction, with casts covering all of me EXCEPT the important parts they wanted to fondle and touch while I was helpless to do anything.
(Yes, in case you’re wondering, that did really happen. And things like it have happened often enough that I’m never surprised anymore.)
Offline, they know that it’s impolite (and will get a negative reaction) to immediately launch into what sexual actions they are thinking about taking without consent.
Online, though, it’s different.
Because while they might get a negative reaction, it’s JUST WORDS ON A SCREEN. They don’t even have to look their target in the eye.
They certainly don’t have to worry about being slapped. Or that their humiliation will be seen by others.
And these people DO know the difference. And they use that difference to be something slimy and weird ON PURPOSE.
No, they don’t think of it that way.
In fact, they probably don’t consciously think of it at all. They just do whatever comes naturally, whatever they want to do.
And THAT is the issue that I’m pointing out when I write about these behaviors.
In another recent writing about putting yourself first, the ideas of selfishness came up. And I noted that in my mind selfishness is not inherently bad. It’s all dependent on the person.
If the person is inconsiderate, and mean and petty, their selfishness will affect others around them negatively. If someone is thoughtful, and cares about others, and loves to see others happy, their selfishness will affect others positively.
So, when people “do whatever they want” online because they feel anonymous, they are showing you EXACTLY how they think. Who they are. They are acting without filters.
And they do know how to filter.
They do it every day.
Many of the people I’ve talked to who start out like that run businesses, are successful, and have friends. They KNOW how to engage with people.
They choose to turn that off.
Let’s look at a few examples:
UNFILTERED BEHAVIOR: Sees a picture of a hot [insert whatever gender here], and does a “virtual feel up” by specifically focusing on what they would like to do to a body part.
FILTERED BEHAVIOR: Sees a photo of their boss (who they find incredibly hot and sexually attractive) on the company intranet, and responds with, “It looks like you were having fun! How was vacation?”
UNFILTERED BEHAVIOR: Sends a first message to someone on FetLife that they want to f*ck, detailing the exact kinky scene they would like to have, starring the stranger without their consent.
FILTERED BEHAVIOR: Sends a first message to someone on Match that they want to date, and say, “Hi there! I noticed that we have a lot in common. I also love collecting used BandAids from deserted parking lots. I find you very attractive, and would love to get to know you better.”
UNFILTERED BEHAVIOR: Sees someone post to a group about a particular thing that they are interested in, like pegging or spanking. Follows up, there on the public board, saying “You can [insert whatever here] to me any day!”
FILTERED BEHAVIOR: Overhears someone talking about a particular thing they are interested in, like pegging or spanking. Follows up by introducing themselves later (in person or by message), and seeing how they get along before bringing it up.
OR, alternatively, follows up by introducing themselves later (in person or by message), and says, “I overheard you talking about loving [insert whatever here], and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.”
They know how to interact and engage as humans.
Hell, some of them are married, and deacons or group leaders in their church youth groups and none of their friends or family know that they are freaky at all, LOL!
However, they get online, and they think that because they’re on a kink site, everyone MUST want sex (from them), or their fetish (from them), or whatever, and they blurt it out—to anyone, without considering that people are people everywhere online and off, just like them.
And as a final note, let me just point out that every single one of the people I’m referring to would be able to grok exactly what is NOT appropriate behavior were that done TO THEM by someone they did not want that from.
What are your thoughts?
Am I right? Am I WAY off base? Am I being too mean—or not mean enough?
Are you willing to share your own experiences and ideas on this topic?