Last Friday, someone commented that my next writing on FetLife would be number 1,200.
I don’t focus much on numbers, really. I just write. And as another friend of mine says (about herself), I’m a wordy bitch.
But it did make me stop and think.
(Prefer to listen to the podcast? https://datingkinky.com/pod/ch-ch-ch-changes )
Then, over the weekend, someone that I’ve engaged with publicly and privately over half a decade wrote me a message that seemed so scathingly judgmental and full of negative assumptions that I wondered if I were mistaking them for someone else.
So, I read over our previous messages, and no. Same person. Just radically different approach than ever before.
But during that re-read, I saw a five year history of talks, some questions I had asked myself and shared a few years ago, and that got me thinking about who I am as a person, and how I’ve changed over the years I’ve been writing.
My first writing on FetLife was in July 2009, almost exactly 12 years ago: Bill Gates’ Rules of Life? Nope. NookieNotes’ Annotated Rules of Love!
I wrote it for fun. Some of it is cringey to me now. Other parts, I still think are spot-on.
When I wrote that, I was about 2 years into my journey to learn how to be a human, like other humans are humans. Because I wanted to overcome my social and interpersonal challenges and to grow into the happy loving life I’d dreamed of.
Two writings after that is a post about a person who was using the internet at the time to escape her life, and created an elaborate catfishing fantasy involving dozens of people over many sites, including my then-partner.
These days, I would have had nothing to do with that person. Then, I was suspicious, but didn’t have concrete evidence, so I mistrusted myself.
There’s a writing a month later detailing part of my journey in human-ing. READING. A LOT. All about love, sex, romance, relationships. Taking notes. Learning. Trying to figure out how to be happy with others. A major takeaway is this:
“…each person says it a different way, which may spark a new idea or an alternative viewpoint. Give me something to think about, to immerse myself in love and romance and sex.”
Over the years, I’ve written as sort of a journal, to learn more about engaging with people, to amuse, and to educate, but mostly, no matter why I was writing, I was sharing MY journey of change.
I’ve been introspective, silly, controversial, and I’ve made fun of others for sport.
Offline, I’ve moved several times, I’ve created a business, and lost it to unethical “partners” and hackers. I’ve lost everything I owned and I’ve been homeless. I’ve slowly been building back up from that, I have a new business, and I’m doing OK in that regard.
I’ve been in a horrible car wreck that still affects my health in ways I never expected.
I have traveled the country and internationally as well, writing some of those posts from hotel rooms and camp grounds.
I’ve lost the amazing partner I had when I started (we’re still friends, and he’s still amazing), and I’ve gained SO MUCH MORE in love.
And one thing I’ve done and done well—and—consistently is change.
Maybe not so much that everyone noticed. Or agreed with.
But I have.
I decided back in 2007 to become the human I wanted to be, and somehow, over those years, I have, mostly.
And the greatest thing I learned was that it’s not always possible make a radical change NOW.
Because it’s too fucking hard, or you don’t have the tools, or the experience, or life has ground you down and the resources are not available, or whatever.
Or because somehow, though no fault of your own, you find yourself where you were three months ago, and you need to take the steps you’ve already worked so hard for all over again. And somehow, doing them again is more difficult, and sometimes feels like it won’t matter this time, either.
And every time, I’ve just set my sights on making a tiny change that will help me take the steps towards making a greater change, a huge change, a life-changing change.
And somehow, after 12 years, I can look back and say, HOLY FUCK, Y’ALL, I’ve done OK.
What changes are YOU working towards? If you’re willing to share it with me, here on my writing or even via private PMs, I’d love to know.
I’d love to tell you that you CAN do this.
And I’d love to see others share their changes and support others.
For my 1200th post.