The Sexual Divide: A Rant

The Sexual Divide: A Rant

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


“I had not realized how different the sexual experience of men/women could be. I knew that it was different, but did not realize the potential size of the delta.”

From a transfeminine woman, whose sexual response system had changed a great deal, thanks to hormone therapy.

And I’m glad she got to experience that. And that she’s living the life she has dreamed of.

However, what about the many different ways that this has been said over and over in media and books and…everything…was not clear before?

Until she experienced it HERSELF?

As a cis woman, I’ve ALWAYS known that there is a BIG divide between how most cis men experience sex and orgasm and how I do.

How is it that so many people DON’T?

Do they not pay attention to their partners’ lived experiences? Do they not believe them? How are they missing these huge differences for so many years of their lives?

Heck, even when I’m in bed with a woman, I find SO MANY differences in how we get off, that it amazes me to think that people would assume it’s the same for all cis-women, much less all genders.

Let me be clear…

I’m not saying that any experience is intrinsically better than another.

Nor am I saying that all people of any gender are poopy-buttheads who don’t get it.

I AM saying that if you don’t yet realize that others’ sexual experiences are different than yours—possibly radically different—perhaps because of their gender, perhaps because of how their brains work, or perhaps because their body uses different hormones than yours or uses hormones differently…

…maybe it’s time to start asking.

And watching.

And experimenting.

And BELIEVING.


Two other posts you might find interesting:

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

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2 Responses

  1. A very big subject! But nothing ventured …

    My experience (cis-male, bisexual, non-monogamous, five decades of lovers, women and men but mostly women) is that many people simply haven’t had enough sexual experience in their lives to even begin to understand the variety of sexual expression and sharing that comes from knowing how incredibly different people are – in the way different bodies feel and work, how differently they experience arousal, what they like and don’t like – including at different times and with different partners.

    And you’re right, most people (especially ones with cocks) don’t pay attention to their partner’s lived experience. It’s not that surprising; they’ve ‘learned’, from porn mostly, what you’re supposed to do and how the other person is supposed to respond, so any deviation is deeply disconcerting. Such a waste.

    My experience is that women are much more open to variety than men are sexually, but I’m not sure whether and how much you’re suggesting that this is the result of biology – brains, hormones, whatever. Personally I absolutely believe it has nothing to do with brains and hormones, and everything to do with socialisation and acculturation. Interestingly it suggests that at present women tend to get more reward from sexual experimentation and variety than men do, but also that from a lower starting point men have so much more to gain.

    It’s definitely time to start asking. And listening, to both words and body responses. And watching. And experimenting. And not thinking you already know how, and what, and how it’s all going to end.

    And probably most importantly spend a lot more intimate time with a LOT more people, exploring – consensually, safely, responsibly, as equal partners – everything there is to know about the ways different people share their bodies, words, histories, feelings, fears, and joy.

    Thanks for the rant!

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