The 5 DISagreements: Everything is personal.

The 5 DISagreements: Everything is personal.

You’ve probably heard of The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by bestselling author Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills.

Today, we’re going to leave all that positive stuff behind, and look at the dark underbelly of communication: The Five DISagreements.

We’ve already covered disagreement one:

Your word is your sword:

DISagreement two is: Everything is personal.

Everything that anyone does is personal to them, and give you close about who they are and how to manipulate them, use them, and hurt them.

It’s easy, because it’s all right there for you.

True, some people are more transparent than others. Those who have been damaged before make the easiest targets, if they are still wounded or freshly healing.

But regardless, the rules of this disagreement are simple:

  1. Everything you say can be used against you.

Usually in the worst possible way/most damaging interpretation. You could even willfully misunderstand and exaggerate the harm to twist the knife more painfully.

  1. What you say reveals your strings.

Everyone has needs. How they speak will reveal these needs to you like shining a spotlight on them.

These needs can then be used to attach strings to that person to jerk them around, and pull them in the direction you desire.

  1. If you are immune to the negative viewpoints of others, you can capitalize on them.

Meaning, if you don’t care how people speak of you, you can build a reputation that will intrigue and draw even more victims to you.

The dark side appeals to many, and the are just as many people who will flock to the villain as who will flock to the hero, given the right staging.

YOU create that staging, playing up everything negative about you as positive or as the ramblings of a dysfunctional or jealous community. Make your most nefarious personality traits seem mysterious and intriguing, and possibly even hint that the “right” person or circumstances could heal you.

What is so powerful about this particular tactic is that it ties into one of human nature’s most powerful forces: The desire to help, in this case, the desire to heal a wounded tribe member.

Make someone care about you, and slowly draw them deeper and deeper into your darkness, and every step they take will make them more determined to save you, to show you how amazing and good everything can be, all in an effort to simultaneously save themselves and their own pride through the fallacy of sunk costs.

Sure, there are people with healthy boundaries and strong senses of self that will see right through you.

Forget them.

You will never make headway there (or, maybe you will, as a challenge over years).

But there are ten more who are not that strong for everyone who is, and that is your playground, should you choose to use it.

Unlike disagreement one, your word is your sword, I have not personally made use of these techniques.

But boy, have I had them used against me.

And that is one of the reasons I teach and write so much in so many ways about healthy boundaries and how important it is to build them and maintain them for yourself.

And the reasons I’m sharing these disagreements is to shine a light on how people can use the relationships they build with you disingenuously, and how they fight dirty.

And, also, as I noted in disagreement one, to point out how we all sometimes use really dangerous and powerful tools in our own arsenals in ways that are negative and even abusive, so we can recognize that when we do it, and learn to stop and find another, more genuine way of connecting with the people we care about.

What has been your experience with this disagreement?

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