Last week’s Wednesday Writing Prompt was about CNC: Non-consensual or Semi-consensual Sex (sexual extortion; bribery; reluctant or ambivalent partner; bondage and struggle; no means yes; other consent issues), where the only consent is in the consent to do [fill in the blank] even without in the moment consent—or even active non-consent (like a “No, I don’t want to.”).
Let me be clear again: this is specifically focused on CONSENSUAL relationships that have non-consent built in, usually as part of a power exchange.
Not unlike the fact that many of us don’t WANT to scrub the toilet, and will actively complain about scrubbing the toilet as we do it, maybe (if we are uber-dramatic) make faces, gagging noises, and just in general making a big deal about how we DO NOT want to do that task.
And yet, we do it.
And it’s consensual.
Because we don’t want to do it, be we know it adds to our quality of life, and that is important to us.
Kind of like that.
And I respect that.
In fact, in 2017, I wrote about having sex in a relationship when I didn’t really want to, here it is:
Having Sex In A Relationship When You Don’t WANT To…
While I’m usually the more highly-sexed person in my relationships, there are times when my partner has wanted to have sex, and I’ve been asleep.
Or reading a book.
Or, well, anything else I’m engrossed in at the time.
And I didn’t want sex. Well, I didn’t not want it, really. I just wanted what I was into more. At that time.
And I wanted something even more than what I was into: a healthy and open sex life and intimate connection with my partner.
So, I had sex I didn’t really want to have, because I wanted what having that sex could do for my partner, my relationship, and myself.
Because when I had that sex, I almost always ended up enjoying myself, having orgasms, and feeling closer to my partner. I was able to get back to what I was doing, when I desired it, or I found something better: cuddling, snuggling or napping after.
So, I used to say that in a healthy long-term sexual relationship, it’s good to have sex when you don’t want to…
But I did want to. I chose to.
I was not pressured. I was not coerced. I was not forced.
That’s rape, at the very least rapey (pressuring someone for sex, that is).
I also knew that my partners cared as much for my pleasure as theirs, and that barring any serious physical issues, I would orgasm and enjoy myself physically, even if it took a long time to get my head in the game.
I did not regret it. I did not resent it. I almost always really enjoyed it, actually, once I got going.
So, I will say instead that in a healthy long-term sexual relationship, maybe you will find yourself wanting to have sex even when you don’t WANT to, because sometimes it’s the resulting affection and love and orgasms that matter more than the enthusiasm (or lack thereof) at the beginning.
And that, itself, is a step towards CNC. I mean, I did consent. But not enthusiastically. Not really. I wanted other things beyond the sex there.
And for the record, no, I don’t feel pressured. That’s not a part of my relationships. The conversations and analytics are all inside my head.
All that said, I don’t myself “do” CNC or any of the semi-cs. I can’t, really. I’m not built that way.
I’m not knocking people who are, and who take great pains to fulfill their kink ethically.
I’m just not.
In fact, I’m deeply hard-wired the OTHER direction.
Not just consent, but desire, even need is what gets me off.
I don’t just want to know that they are OK with whatever we do together, but that they actively crave it—and ME. That’s what trips my personal triggers.
And while I understand the idea of wanting someone to do something they don’t want to do FOR YOU, my mind has to take it a step further. They have to not only be willing, but enthusiastic about doing [fill-in-the-blank] for me because it’s for me, and they want to make me happy THAT much that it entirely changes how they look at tasks.
Which is a HUGE ask, I know.
And yet, that’s what works for me.
What are YOUR thoughts on CNC?