What should I watch out for?
In kink, you should watch out for the same things that you would watch out for in any situation.
Unfortunately, few people are ever really schooled in regular old vanilla wariness, much less kinky stuff.
But there are a few basics that are worth watching out for:
Continued or aggressive pursuit past a “No.” No, in kink (as it should be elsewhere), is the ultimate stop. Anyone who continues past a clear “No” with wheedling, coercion, or action is someone to get away from and steer clear of in the future, for sure.
Seeking out primarily newbies for play. While newbies bring a fresh energy to kink and to play, and it’s fun to help someone grow and learn, those who seek out newbies as a habit bear close watching. After all, newbies are often not yet savvy enough to know what problem signs to watch for, to know if what they’re being told is true, or to spot someone who talks a good game, but isn’t actually skilled in safety.
Refusing to go to public events. “Too much drama in the community.” or “I’m misunderstood.” OF COURSE there are good reasons to avoid public events. A career in politics, for example. Or any sensitive area (think kindergarten teacher). However, if they are doing so to “avoid drama” or because of a sense of persecution, it’s worth keeping an eye and an ear out. They might have been the source of the drama and/or have given good reasons for persecution.
Unable to handle disagreement or not getting their way during a conversation or negotiation. It’s a common “test” going around the internet, suggesting that women say “No,” turn down a date offer, or disagree with a potential partner before meeting them. Why? To see if they lose their shit. I suggest this is not a gendered thing, and it’s worth finding things to disagree about (no need to lie) before connecting too deeply, to see how your potential playmate might handle it when things don’t go their way.
I did a podcast on this: The Red Flag Diaries: How Do They Respond To Your First “No”?
Ill intent. This is a tough one, and not easy to spot. In this, I’d say, go with your gut. If you feel that someone is treating you with ill intent, step back and assess. Better safe than sorry.
Complaints at events and venues or on multiple “don’t fly” lists for events and socials. This is not something the average kinkster will know, but as you become a part of the community and make friends, you’ll be more aware of those that have already been problems in the past.
They act as a victim. Bad relationships were always their partners’ faults. Of course. Everything that goes wrong is because of someone else. They are never really ready to take personal responsibility. Keep in mind, if everyone else in their life is wrong, you’ll likely end up being wrong when things fall short.
Patterns of problematic behavior. If you’re just meeting someone, this is difficult to suss out, but many people will actually tell on themselves. When people claim to have had the same issue (usually as the victim—but not always) with multiple partners or acquaintances, you’ll know that they will likely have that issue with you as well. Tread carefully.
Rapid cycling of partners. Some people in kink are ethically non-monogamous. Some are enthusiastic sex partners. They have their reasons for maybe seeming to have more partners than usual. However, there are also those who jump into relationships quickly and intensely, have them go horribly (and often dramatically) wrong, and then start all over again with barely a pause. If something feels hinky, pay attention. It might be something worth avoiding.
Isolating partners/denying access to other kinksters. This is a scary one. Anyone who suggests that you ONLY need what they tell you/show you/offer you is putting you into a potentially unsafe position. Now, your power dynamic might be total, and that’s all right. However, while you develop that dynamic, you should be encouraged to make friends (especially within your role, ie: submissive/submissive), ask questions, research, learn, watch, and more. Often, isolation is just a way to make sure that you never learn that what they’re doing to and with you is not acceptable or is even abusive.
Unwilling to meet in public/safe spaces. This is different than not attending local events. There are good reasons for that, as noted above (although you are still 100% allowed to refuse anyone who does not). However, anyone who insists on meeting at your place or theirs or even at a private dungeon, versus meeting for the first time at a coffee shop or a public restaurant is definitely suspect in my book. Just like a potential vanilla date would be.
NONE of these red flags are necessarily indicative of problematic issues on their own.
However, they are worth paying attention to, and if you see clusters or groups of them, it’s my recommendation that you take much greater care than you might otherwise.
Your physical and emotional safety is your number one priority when it comes to connecting in life and kink.
Watch for these issues in ANYONE…
In the community, most people will assume that problematic behavior comes from a specific segment of the population: usually tops or dominants, primarily older and male.
In my experience, though, anyone of any kink role, age, and gender can be bad news, possibly even dangerous.
Do not lull yourself into thinking that only certain types of people are worth keeping an eye on.
Some of the most harmful situations have happened as a result of people no one would expect—who seemed totally harmless.
The community says:
Be careful to not let the headiness and excitement of allthethings get you into unsafe situations. There’s so much to try and people to meet but not all of it is good or safe for you.
— Pandia, 45F, submissive
Stay with people on same side of the slash as you until you learn about the community and get exposure
Do not play with the first 5 people that approach you. (This helps weed out newbie poachers.)
Don’t trust status on any profile (some don’t post) making an enemy by accident can cut you out of many things & it won’t be your fault.
Ask 3 different people to give a reference on the person you’re thinking of playing with. Group leaders, three people that don’t hang out.
Emergency call plan = if you go on a date make sure a friend or two will check on you.
Ask group leaders if the person is on their no fly list.
Keep sex and BDSM separate until you can determine what your likes and dislikes are. Sometimes play that turns overly sexual can ruin an experience..
Your safety comes first. Always. If your gut says leave, then leave.
And more I can’t remember.Stay with people on same side of the slash as you until you learn about the community and get exposure
Do not play with the first 5 people that approach you. (This helps weed out newbie poachers.)
Don’t trust status on any profile (some don’t post) making an enemy by accident can cut you out of many things & it won’t be your fault.
Ask 3 different people to give a reference on the person you’re thinking of playing with. Group leaders, three people that don’t hang out.
Emergency call plan = if you go on a date make sure a friend or two will check on you.
Ask group leaders if the person is on their no fly list.
Keep sex and BDSM separate until you can determine what your likes and dislikes are. Sometimes play that turns overly sexual can ruin an experience..
Your safety comes first. Always. If your gut says leave, then leave.
And more I can’t remember.
— BellaMew, 46F Switch
Trust your gut instinct and energy about people you meet. Meet new people in public, at a kink event, and let your trusted friends, or confidante know your schedule, who you’re meeting, and their contact information.
Don’t rush new relationships, because sometimes it might just be new relationship energy (NRE). Some of the best relationships come from friendships, and close bonds take time. And a lot of it, at that.
— A Kinkster From Fetlife
People jump to warmly embrace new people because they like to fuck the new people first. So sweet and caring… until you watch it happen over and over. The drained new people never come back because they experience all the things that the bdsm community warns against in one place.
— Owmybrain 45F Switchiest of switches that ever switched. 🙂
