What if I break someone’s consent?

Yikes!

I’m going to assume you didn’t mean to, so I’m sorry. That sucks so bad. I know, because I’ve done it. Everyone I know has at one point.

By accident.

I certainly HOPE you didn’t violate consent on purpose. That’s a horrible thing to do. I can’t even fathom it. Why would anyone want to do something to/with someone that they are not 100% enthusiastic about…?

Ah, but I ramble.

You didn’t mean to, but you did. So now what?

Apologize. Instantly and sincerely. That’s the number one step, before anything. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” goes a long way to healing, when you mean it.

Ask how you can help. It’s simple, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make this right?” They may not have an immediate answer. Respect that. They may say that nothing will make it right. Respect that, too. They may tell you, and give you some actions you can take. Hopefully, those will help.

Respect their feelings. You may not have MEANT to break their consent. You may not even think you did. Fine. But when someone says you hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t. So, validate their feelings and see the first two options for reference on what to do.

Stay away from them. Do whatever you can to help them feel better, including staying away from them if they ask you to. Not calling, if they request it. Leaving them alone in every way, if they say to.

Legally, protect yourself as you need. Now, I’m hoping that whatever happened was not only a mistake, but that it’s not serious enough that you could be arrested for it. That said, just in case, or in case it’s been maybe exaggerated, do protect yourself as you can. Write everything down as you remember it, and talk to a friend you can trust, or even legal counsel.

Be humble. You made a mistake. Do everything you can to fix it, and to fix the part of you who made that mistake so it doesn’t happen again.

When You are Accused of Consent Violation

In response to a discussion prompt by @NookieNotes, by M. Mischief, 42M, Sadist, mischiefauthor.com

Let’s assume you did it. The prompt is phrased in terms of an accusation, but if you got accused of violating consent and you did not actually do so, then there is a deeper problem, which is that you didn’t vet your play partner properly.

Someone who will slander you after you’ve done nothing wrong at all should have shown you some red flags before and you should have taken time to see them. So even if you did not fuck up in the way you are accused of fucking up–you still fucked up.

It doesn’t matter whether what you did or didn’t do meets a legal definition of consent violation. I know my home state is particularly shitty when it comes to that. But the point is that you left a partner with a bad taste in their mouth, maybe literally.

Did you do your due diligence after the scene as well as before and during? Maybe you thought you did, but apparently you didn’t.

All right, so the next question is, do you want to try to put effort into mending the situation? Do you not really care all that much about those you play with after you’ve had your fun? Here’s hoping the answer is that you do care, or honestly you should not have friends.

So if someone had a bad time playing with you, for whatever reason, and you are a conscientious person who cares about your play partners, you make amends. That means you do whatever it takes to make right what you did wrong.

That doesn’t mean apologizing over and over until you get forgiveness out of the other person. The word “amends” has “mend” in it because it’s about fixing something, which requires taking responsibility for it. And sometimes the way you mend something is by putting a Band-Aid over it and just not fucking with it.

If, however, you don’t feel you did something wrong (You did.) then what happens next will be based on popularity.

If people like you, then you will still be allowed to participate in the community. You might be a shitty person, but you aren’t alone, and shitty people can have lots of shitty friendships with shitty friends for shitty reasons. It may help if you have made yourself a “community leader” by offering an event space, hosting parties, or offering education in desirable skills.

If people like your accuser/victim more than you, then be prepared to have a whole lot more time in your social calendar. An accused consent violator who does not own and make amends for their mistakes does not create a comfortable atmosphere for others. When people are not comfortable, they keep their clothes on, and what sort of party is that? One to which you will not find yourself welcome in future, that’s what kind.

As someone who hosts events, I have defaulted to trusting the accuser over the accused for just this reason. And I do not think I am alone.

But the great thing is that none of this has to happen. Ever. To anyone. It is perfectly avoidable. That does not make it easy or painless, but being a responsible person is about doing difficult things when they are important. And if kink is not important to you, then you don’t need to be doing it with anyone else.

The community says:

Do not start, or support your friends doing so, a campaign against your accuser(s). Try to remain polite in all communication.

Even if it’s false or spiteful accusation. People will believe what they want to believe, and you can’t do much about it.

—Tamnium, 43Fem, brat/switch

It. will. Happen. You can be careful, tentative, and compassionate and yet still sometimes go just a little too far. Sometimes the loss of consent looks like pulling out a tool that wasn’t negotiated for. But rather than let it happen say yellow. Communicate you aren’t sure about this, and if you’re a top who is concerned about safety, accept “ehh stop that” After a yellow. But even then, sometimes you go further. Its ok as long as no permanent damage was done and you genuinely apologize and care for the recipient. Let them know you are sorry and that, the apology doesn’t have to be accepted until they are ready. Be there for them, or, give them space. But listen to your bottom. As you should have done better when the incident occurred. Go to events still but expect to not play, just voyeur. And build back your reputation and continue to apologize. But most importantly, learn from your mistakes. Try and internalize what went wrong. And even after all that, they don’t have to accept your apology. And learning how to accept that with grace is important.

— Cupcake, 31MtF, Dominant Bunny Dolly Maid

If you’re in the community long enough you’re going to fuck up.

People watch and they’re going to pay attention to how you react, if you take responsibility and HOW you take responsibility. Be honest about what happened and do your best to avoid name calling and shit slinging.

—Rrevl/Sam, 39F, Switch

Talk to the person. Be prepared that it might not resolve itself. And if it isn’t the first time you have been accused especially in a short period of time, you might need to reflect on your behavior and actions.

—silentsin

Only one thing for certain: Document, document, document.

—BlueBunny1203