Which Is the Dom, Which Is The Sub?

Which Is the Dom, Which Is The Sub?

I’ve heard it said that the dominant in any relationship is the one who cares the least.

I think this is poppycock. As a dominant, I feel very deeply. I would hesitate to think that my measure as a dominant is in my ability to restrain my feelings.

I think it’s better put as Catherine Robbe Grillet said it:

So, I ask Madame, how can you tell who is really the submissive and who is really the dominant in any given relationship? Appearances are so often deceptive. Her answer cuts to the quick. “The one whose need is the greatest is the submissive.”

Need. Not the same as care.

Need: how much you need what another can add to your life. How much you need the direction, the humiliation, the pain, the ownership, the sex, the chastity… whatever.

That is a better indicator of a mental head space, in my opinion.

Because I feel incredibly deeply, and it never affects my dominance. When I find I need something, though, I become emotionally attached to a particular feeling, a particular release, that is when i find myself wondering if I’m willing to compromise, when I would not, otherwise.

Perhaps some mix care with need. And I can understand that. It’s easier to feel care fore someone/something you need. And it’s easy to feel like you need something that you care deeply about.

But needing and caring are not the same thing.

What are your thoughts?

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