How Should I “Landscape” Back There?

How should I “landscape” back there?

While people have been doing the poop chute party for almost as long as there have been people (and far longer than there have been hair removal systems), most people these days do like a bit of preparation in the form of hair neatening and cleansing, at the very least.

There are reasons for this. As much as ‘au naturel’ may be appealing for visual reasons, scent/pheromones, etc., it does provide a bit more challenge, as anyone who’s ever gotten a wiry genital hair stuck in their teeth (ouch for you!) or throat (cough, hack!) can tell you.

In this chapter, we’ll discuss your hair-control options.

And they are OPTIONS. You need not do anything you don’t want to do, and no one should force you (and you should not force anyone else, either).

Weed Whacking

The most common type of grooming for anal play is done to hair. The chocolate valley can get quite bushy in it’s natural state, and while hair has several wonderful tasks, such as preventing chafing and capturing scent and pheromones, it also gets caught in teeth, can be harder to keep clean, and can reduce sensitivity and access to specific spots.

So, let’s talk a bit about your hair-care options.

Trimming

Trimming your hair is the lowest-maintenance option, the easiest to get right on your own (without nicking yourself with a razor) and generally quite acceptable.

With trimming, you also don’t run the risk of getting ingrown hairs, which are extremely painful and unsightly especially if they are on or around your sex bits (they can look like an STD). A good trimmer will trim so close that it will feel near as smooth as a shave, and will leave enough of the hair intact to almost guarantee a smooth and straight hair regrowth.

After you trim, apply some talcum powder (I actually use Honey Dust from Kama Sutra for this. It dries you, tastes good, is antibacterial, and 100 percent natural). Any of your preferred talcs or body powders will do, just to prevent the region from chafing and rubbing against your clothes. It also helps to keep the area feeling dry and cool.

If you get dry skin, you’ll want to moisturize the area and leave it for some minutes before applying the talcum powder, so you give your skin a chance to absorb the moisture from your lotion.

Be careful about lotions with artificial scents and chemical additives. They can irritate sensitive skin. Consider a natural alternative such as coconut or olive oil. Almost no taste, just in case, too. smiles

Shaving

Shaving is one of the next possible steps after trimming. Of course, the benefits are that you’re smooth as a newborn baby’s bum and that it looks quite pretty.

However, some people have horrible reactions to shaving their tender regions, and if you have sensitive skin I don’t recommend it. Razor burn is NOT something you want to get in your ass crack.

I promise you this.

When choosing to shave, trim first if your hair is more than about 1/4” long (about .64 centimeters). This will help reduce nicks and increase accuracy.

Apply a shaving cream or shaving balm. Use a high quality blade and always go with the grain, never against, to avoid additional irritation and/or reddened ingrown hairs.

It’s hard to see/reach around to your bum sometimes. For those having a difficult time, consider covering a chair (with no arms) with a towel, and using a bowl of warm water, so that you can position yourself in front of a mirror, to see all that you need to see.

Or, better yet, have your partner help you with this. Grooming can be a bonding ritual.

As with trimming, apply some talcum powder (I use Honey Dust from Kama Sutra for this. It dries you, tastes good, is antibacterial, and 100 percent natural).

Any of your preferred talcs or body powders will do, just to prevent the region from chafing and rubbing against your clothes. If you’re going to be doing sexy times, though, keep taste in mind. Talc is not particularly yummy.

It also helps to keep the area feeling dry and cool.

If you get dry skin, you’ll want to moisturize the area and leave it for some minutes before applying the talcum powder, so you give your skin a chance to absorb the moisture from your lotion.

(Yes, I KNOW I repeated that section. Some people are gonna skim the trimming section, and they still deserve this information.)

Depilatories

Depilatories are wonderfully easy. Slather them on, wait an allotted 10-15 minutes, wipe, then rinse off. Sometimes you repeat.

Be very careful. If you’ve not used a depilatory regularly in some time (or at all), I suggest a spot test before doing your whole bottom.

Some people do not react well to depilatories in their nethers (see this review of Veet Gel for Men), and they can get chemical burns on their skin, or their eyes can tear up, thanks to the fumes. MUCH better to do this in a small spot, rather than your whole crack.

Of course, if you don’t have a negative reaction, you have a fast and easy way to get soft and smooth quickly.

Waxing

Waxing is second only to the holy grail of laser in hair removal. Waxing is a form of semi-permanent hair removal which removes the hair at the root, literally ripping it out of your body.

People love it because it can last 4-6 weeks (some people will start to see regrowth in only a week due to some of their hair being on a different growth cycle), and rarely does it cause the same issues (ingrown hairs and such) as shaving.

Also, there are no sharp blades near your butt. YASSSS!

However, for those who’ve never been waxed before, be forewarned. Some take it like a champ, but waxing has been known to make grown humans cry like caterwauling infants. It helps to use a bit of numbing lotion on your parts before and after waxing, to cut the sting.

It’s a challenge (read: nearly impossible) to do for yourself, so find a well-recommended waxer, or ask your partner to help you.

If your partner is a sadist, this might be a particularly effective request, LOL!

Kidding.

A bit.

Actually, as I said before, grooming can be a very bonding experience, so do consider getting your partner involved, if you think he/she might be interested.

There are different kinds of waxing kits available, so if you choose to do this for yourself, follow the instructions.

If your kit does not come with a numbing lotion, I highly suggest getting one, as it will help ease your discomfort and reduce the pain, as well as moisturize your skin.

Laser

Laser hair removal has come a long way. It’s now generally considered a permanent hair removal option, so be sure of your choice before rushing ahead.

A pulse of light is used to destroy a group of hair follicles at one time. Usually an area the size of a quarter is treated with each pulse.

All hair grows in three phases (anagen, telogen, and catagen). Laser hair removal can only affect the currently active growing hair follicles (early anagen).

Therefore, several sessions are needed to kill hair in all phases of growth, for permanent reduction.

You will likely need 6-8 treatments/sessions, with three to eight weeks between, depending on the area being treated (different areas, different growth cycles).

Of course, there are many factors that can influence the number of sessions and time between, so plan on talking with your specialist to get all the details and a good regimen in place.

I’ve had personal experience with laser hair removal and highly recommend it. It is a bit painful (like getting a tattoo, or having a rubber band snapped against your skin), but after eight sessions, you live nearly hair-free with no fuss or pain thereafter.

More than a decade after last being lasered, I’ll be getting another few touch-up sessions, to clean up a few spots with new hair growth.

If you choose to go the laser route, I highly recommend Groupon.com for discounts, often 30-75 percent off retail.

I received this question via email: “You mentioned in your email about laser hair removal and about using Groupons, etc. I spoke with my dermatologist about this a while back, and she, quite emphatically, told me to avoid places like that and to go to an actual dermatologist. Do you agree? Is it something that should only be done in a medical office or can these other laser hair removal places be just fine?”

I replied, “like anything else, this is all about Risk Aware. I believe (I am no doctor, don’t take only my word for it) that laser hair removal has come a very long way. Brazilians are being done every day by licensed laser operators without issue. I’ve personally had my own bikini line done, and I could not be happier. AND, you could very possibly find a dermatologist also on Groupon, so you could have both.”

— Nookie

If you are a penis-haver, do call and ask if they do anal lasering for you before buying, as some salons refuse, and there are rarely refunds offered from special discounts like those I’ve mentioned.

Let’s Discuss!

What’s your preferred landscaping method for your butt (or your partner’s butt)?