Is kink safe?

This chapter is written for you by Sarrows.

I’d like to say kink is safe, but it’s much too subjective of a lifestyle to give it that label.

I’m going to use driving as an analogy for some of this because I believe it’s the most relatable social construct for the common adult.

Once you are of age to drive, or, in our case, ‘do kink’, you’re probably not going to want to jump into a car right away and just start driving down the road with this large machine. This is because it’s a giant metal box-shaped thing controlled by a person. And let’s face it, people make plenty of mistakes. So, it’s probably best if you know how to control this box-shaped thing before you drive. You’ll want to familiarize yourself with all the little gadgets and buttons inside that catch your attention.

After you’ve learned what a vehicle is, it’s time to join the rest of traffic.

Well, almost. It probably wouldn’t be too smart to head right for the nearest highway.

It’s probably best to start slow. Some even practice in a parking lot to get a feel for how it maneuvers. Once you’re on the road it starts to become serious business.

At first, you might drive cautiously, or stupidly, depending on your level of comfort. You’ll want to go slow and make sure you follow all of the right procedures.

As you gain more experience and start actually driving, you’re going to fall into your own patterns.

Somedays, you’ll get caught behind an accident and it slows everything down. Other times, it’s a cross country road trip and you just have to stop to refill and get snacks. It all depends on the day, the time, and how traffic is flowing.

As time goes on, you’ll start to notice the emotions of the other drivers, and you’ll learn lots.

You’ll figure out how to maneuver to steer clear.

You’ll figure out what types of weather you can drive in, and you’ll know when to just stay home.

You’ll understand the importance of slowing down, and being calm.

But most of all, you’ll learn how YOU drive.

As time passes, after people have seen you around enough, they too will notice how you drive. People may ask to start carpooling with you because they feel you’re a good driver. Or maybe you want to carpool with a driver you trust, and that’s perfectly fine.

This is where things can get a bit complex.

Once another has joined in your commute, it’s up to you, the driver, to make sure you get where you’re going to safely. The passengers are taking a larger risk than the driver because they are not in control of the vehicle. The driver is who is responsible for things that may occur on the road, accidental or not.

A police officer is not going to give a ticket to a passenger because the driver ran a red light. Understanding the level of responsibility you bear when you have passengers is extremely important.

As a passenger, however, it’s probably best to understand how to drive yourself to help the driver at times and voice concerns you might have about how fast they are going.

• Are they paying attention to signs?
• Does your seatbelt work correctly?
• Are there broken parts of the car?

Backseat driving can sometimes be highly encouraged, and even expected, when it comes to kink. And while the driver has much of the control and responsibility, passengers have a responsibility to bring up any concerns they have. It’s perfectly alright for a passenger to ask the driver to slow down, or even pull over, when things get scary, or too intense, or even dangerous.

Furthermore, if a passenger decides to take a taxi (I’m using this example as pick-up play), or a driver decides to be a taxi driver, understand that the risk increases for both the driver and/or the passenger. As a passenger, in this situation, you’re trusting a stranger you’ve likely never seen to drive. And as a taxi driver, your allowing strangers to enter your vehicle who are trusting you to drive safely. It would be in the interest of both the drivers and passengers to wait sometime to gain more experience before engaging in such activities.

Side note: I would encourage anyone doing pick-up play to have good negotiation skills before attempting pick-up play. And because it’s difficult to use this analogy with negotiations I will save that for later on. Some people choose not to engage in such things, and that’s ok. But just understand that playing with a person you don’t know is much more risky then say, getting to know a person and slowly becoming play partners. Alternatively, you can watch and vet pick-up play partners, and lots of people do this, but just be aware that you’re going to a play party and randomly playing with another person because it “sounds fun”.

There are people who go years, and never get into an accident.

And some who have only been driving a year with three accidents under their belt. It’s definitely a risk to drive, and a lot of the time it’s about watching the other drivers, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible to drive safely.

When you’re driving, the variables change day to day, and you can feel safe, but it’s not always like that and you need to be ready for those days.

The key is to learn what roads you’re comfortable taking and which you need to never drive down.

It’s at this point we must leave the driving analogy behind and make our own way.

You see, driving is regulated by the state. Kink, on the other hand, is not.

You cannot get a license to kink.

This is what makes kink a bit more risky, and where your own vigilance comes into play.

That might seem like it could be much more dangerous if people don’t have a license or permit to do what they are doing, and it does increase the risk, but you can probably tell from driving that just because someone has a license doesn’t mean they can actually drive.

I believe that because we don’t have regulations it makes the community much more conscientious about the people around them.

I’d suggest getting a mentor and/or a protector before you engage people to play. And before you play, it’s a good idea to research who you’re playing with.

Another subject that is important is negotiating. When you play with others, you’re either taking or giving control in some way. You’ll want to create and maintain healthy boundaries — what are your limits, and what do you want to explore? You should do this whether you’re a top or bottom.

Negotiating gives both parties an idea of what is expected during play, and is a very important factor in your safety. I urge you to read more about it in What are negotiations?

If you have a potential play partner, I urge you to watch them for a while before you decide. Ask who their old play partners were, and then speak to them. If they don’t want to give you that information, this could be a red flag and perhaps finding someone else to play with would be a better idea for your safety.

No one knows you better than yourself, and no one can know what your boundaries are if you are not clear about what you want.

GO SLOW!

Read, READ, READ!!!

If there’s something you want to try, there is likely information out there in the community that will teach you to be an expert in that kink. But no one can make you read that information, only you can take the time to learn for your own safety.

So, is kink safe?

Well, it depends on you and I to make it safe for those around us. While accidents can happen, most of the time they are preventable, and each passing day, whether it be a bad day or a good day, is a lesson for us to always progress and help create a better and safer environment for everyone.

There will be eyes on you in a public setting, you might even think of the more experienced as some kind of authority, but ultimately it’s up to your self-education to help make your experiences the safest they can be. Just like when you’re driving, the police and other authority figures, may assist you to help give you a feeling of being safe, but they usually cannot help until something has already happened, or they see something that is going wrong.

You shouldn’t rely on me to keep you safe, you should rely on you to know what you want and to know how to get it in a manner in which you will not be harmed, or you will not harm another. This will help in the creation of your own understandings of the kinky lifestyle, and take the precautions needed to feel the safest you possibly can.

As the community, we can provide you with our past experiences, but it’s up to you to know what to do with that information.

Nookie says:

Is kink safe? Not really.

I mean, to be fair, most of life is not safe, and kink is a part of life that is less safe than a peck on the cheek, and WAY safer than wrestling angry crocodiles, generally speaking.

A lot of kinky play is potentially harmful:

• Rope bondage has the potential for nerve damage.
• Electric play can affect your heart.
• Humiliation/degradation can harm your emotional balance.
• Breath play has the potential for asphyxia (which you know, if you watch TV crime dramas, amirite?).

And so on.

That said, I’ve gotten nerve damage from hiking. I know people whose hearts were broken in a “vanilla” relationship, who never fully recovered, and blah, blah, blah.

At least in kink, most people take as many precautions as we can to prevent harm.

Rope enthusiasts learn about potential danger zones on the body. People into edge play discuss how to protect their mental and emotional well-being outside of the scene and what to do if things go wrong. Safety is a huge concern, and health and mindset are discussed and monitored.

We also use terms to describe how we kink. Like:

SSC, or Safe, Sane and Consensual. One of the first acronyms to promote the tenets of kink.

Some people criticize it for the words “safe” and “sane.”

Because kink is inherently not safe (like life, but with even more risk), and that’s what many kinksters LIKE about kink.

And because “sane” is a subjective term, and while one person might consider blood play sane, another might not.

RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. A perspective that allows for risky or unsafe kink activities, as long as all consenting participants are aware of the risks involved.

It was developed to replace SSC, which many believe condones only activities that are considered “safe” or “sane,” and does not take into account those parts of kink that are inherently more dangerous than others.

PRICK, or Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink. The newcomer to the group, an evolution adding the idea of personal responsibility as a consideration in kinky participation.

Which is the right choice?

Whichever resonates best with you.

Or, do your own thing. These are just what are commonly used and recognized in kink right now.

Kinksters disagree on which is best, and how to put into words the most important parts of kink. And that’s OK. Discussions on the pros and cons of each philosophy are healthy and encouraged, as long as everyone understands that respecting the consent of their partners in this lifestyle is of paramount importance to contributing to safer kinky activities.

The community says:

I explain kink like skydiving. Full of excitement and adventure, but risky and definitely something you need to educate yourself about before you jump.

— Miss_Sunshyne, 37F, collared submissive

It’s as risky as you make it. You can do the same activity the same way 1,000 times, and on the 1,001 time something catastrophic could happen. Kink inherently has risks, it’s up to the participants to mitigate as much risk to themselves and others as much as possible. If they’re unwilling to learn, then they don’t have any business doing it, and they damn sure don’t need to teach.

— Trouble, 29NB Bottom

It’s like driving a car: you can go 15mph down a country road, or 90mph on a busy highway, and everything in between.

— Audrey D., 25F, Rope Switch

I would tell them that yes it is risky and the more you do the more risk is involved. It is up to the individual to mitigate as much risk as absolutely possible, which can only be done with knowledge. Also that no matter what precautions are taken it’s still a risk but then again so is walking out your front door in some parts of the world.

— Sir-Draconis/Draconis, 35, Master

Kink is getting gratification from things outside the norm. In and of itself it isn’t risky, just a concept. It’s what you do with it and how you explore it which may carry the risk.

— Shocktart, 30 Fem switch

My response is “just like the rest of life”. You can stay in the shallow end or free dive in the deep end. It all depends on what attracts you and your level of risk tolerance.

This is also why I prefer Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) to Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC). Nothing in life is safe. Every single thing one does has some level of risk, including doing nothing. As a responsible adult one needs to know what those risks are, choose the activities one still wishes to do, and then mitigate where possible. There is no need to worry all the time. Do your assessment. Pick your course of action. Live Life!

— Trouvere le Fou, 56M, Prince Commander (Master)

I would tell them no, it isn’t safe. They are taking risks with their person and trusting aspects of their physical, mental, and/or spiritual health to another person or other people. I would also follow this up by saying…Much as in any aspect of life dealing with other humans, only the risks are slightly different… But it is also entirely possible to run across similar if not the same risks in vanilla life depending on your overall choices.

— AnubianJackal, 34M, Sadist

Kink to me is about taking a chance; spicing your life, or fulfilling a void in your spirit. It’s very spiritual to some and indulgence to some. I see Kink as a risk with boundaries. So I practice R.A.C.K. Risk aware consensual kink. Always aware that this can cause harm if you don’t manage it properly

— Tygerwyld, 38M, Top

“The leading cause of death is being alive, own it.”

— Anonymous