How does a social or kink party work?

So, you’re ready for your first kinky social or party.

Excellent!

It’s an exciting step to take.

Here are a few tips to get you started right:

Invitation or Event RSVP? Some parties are by invitation only. This is where getting out to munches and sloshes and making friends in kink can really make a difference. Because, of course, most invitations are going to go to people the organizers already know and love.

That may seem unfair, after all, you’re new, and you want in on the fun.

It’s perfectly fair, though.

I mean, think about it, if you are having a party at your place, how often are you going to be inviting total strangers? ESPECIALLY if there might be things of a kinky nature.

Of course they want people around them they like and feel they can trust.

There are also many parties and socials posted for the public. These are usually held in more neutral spaces (although not always), and most anyone can RSVP and show up to pay the door fee.

There is a halfway point as well: You may RSVP, but you have to be vetted by showing up to a certain number of munches, or meeting the organizers before the event.

The rules. Nearly every event will have rules. Most businesses will have them posted, and you’ll probably have to agree to them or sign something saying you’ve read them.

Personal events will also have rules. Make sure to ask for them if you aren’t familiar, so you don’t make mistakes.

Rules often cover things like consent, where you can (or if you can) mix sex with your kink, how to interact with strangers, photo policy, and behind which door the cat is locked (please don’t let him out!).

The cover. Most kinky events and parties will have a cover to help offset costs. Some private events might just ask you to bring food and beverage to share. Some will ask for both. Be generous. Putting on an event is a lot of work, even when there is a cover, and you don’t want to be the person who does the bare minimum.

Offer to help. I can’t stress this enough. For new people, especially shy people, this is a GREAT way to make friends fast.

Volunteering as a helper to set up, clean up, DM (act as a dungeon monitor), and more is a perfect way to connect with people and it can help ease anxiety in a new space to have a job you’re assigned to as you interact with new people.

Of course, not all events will want help, so don’t push it.

But do offer, if you think it might be a fit for you.

Observe. It’s never a bad idea to watch others at an event for proper behavior.

If you’re unsure, it’s never a bad idea to ask someone in charge.

And then, there is consent….

Consent: Ask For It!

It’s semi-common (although VERY frowned upon) at amazing events full of sexy hotness for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first.

For some, this is OK, maybe even wanted. For others, it can actually cause serious repercussions, thanks to trauma. Most will find it various levels of annoying, which, honestly, is not the best way to connect and have a great time in kink.

I’ve personally had my ass groped (pretty common), someone reach out to touch my breasts, and even had someone grab my ankle (while I was in stilettos), trying to get my attention to their groveling.

Luckily, I have the personal resources to handle these things myself. Not everyone does.

So, let’s stop, shall we?

And the best way to do that…

Ask for consent.

Ask for it first.

Simple.

Easy.

Clear.

Then…

WAIT for it.

Yeah. Ummm… that shouldn’t have to be said, but it does, apparently. More than once I’ve had hands reaching for me AS they were asking.

Asking properly does not assume that you’ll get an answer in the positive.

Make sure it’s enthusiastic.

Some people, even when asked, are hard-pressed to speak up against being touched.

So, pleeeeease, watch how their bodies move when they reply, and listen for clear affirmation.

Enthusiasm is pretty clear, when you care enough to look.

“But I’m shy and awkward and asking for consent is really hard.”

Well, then, you’re not ready for all the responsibility that comes with the super-fun touchy sexy things, if you’re not ready to get clear consent.

At least not with those people.

Your people, your tribe, may know you well and do things differently.

AND THAT’S OK. As long as everyone is happy and feels respected.

But don’t touch strangers without asking.

Yes, rejection sucks. Like, lots. But it’s worth it, for consent’s sake.

The community says:

Say hi to the host/organisers, familiarise yourself with the rules and how things work.

Introduce yourself to as many people as you can.

Ask questions about everything in a polite way,

Offer to help set up/pack down—people remember that stuff and appreciate it.

It’s okay not to know or have a role.

Don’t gawk!

Don’t be ashamed for leaving the room if something squicks you, just quietly leave.

If you think something is unsafe, ask a DM. If you’re wrong you’ll learn why it’s safe and if you’re right you’ll be proud for speaking up.

You don’t have to ask for a scene, just asking for a light tap to know the sensation is okay, too.

Inform the other party of any health issues prior to play (mental or otherwise). It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Don’t turn up intoxicated or drink too much during munches/events. No one wants to be remembered as that drunk person.

— DuckieDuck, 25F Brat

Tip: wear something memorable, even if it’s just your favorite shirt. That way as you’re mingling and meeting people, you’ll have a tool to help them remember you when you message them for friend requests.

Also: If they have one, put your name up on a play board if you’re looking to do some pick up play.

— QueenCottonCandy, 28F, switch

Remember to respect discretion and the kinks of others.

You may walk into a space that involves kink play that is well beyond your own comfort level, and if you do, that’s ok. You can remove yourself from the situation if it’s too much. But respect that the players involved have very likely consented to what is going on, and while it may be too much for you, it is not for them. Don’t make a huge deal over it, don’t start trying to go “public” over it just because you are uncomfortable with it, and by all means – respect the privacy of others and the group.

If you have a problem with something, certainly speak up to the organizer or host. But understand that if you take it public, like go to the authorities type of public, you can then “out” so many people within that community, as well as the organization, and the results can be devastating on so many levels. We’ve seen lives ruined, groups destroyed and play spaces shut down all because one person just didn’t like what they saw, or found reason to hold a grudge against someone else.

This thing we do can be scary and uncomfortable for sure. Be prepared to understand this as you go in, and feel confident enough to step aside when needed for yourself.

— TheRedLife, 46M, Dom

Respect space. Yours and others. Don’t interrupt a scene with chatter and conversation. Be respectful and, don’t yuck anyone’s yum. (Oh and have a fantastic time!!!!)

— MollyRoger, 48F, Kinkster

If someone is anxious about going, it’s good for them to know they do not have to play. There is no pressure and you can absolutely go at your own pace with regards to when/where/with whom you play.

— GemOfAGemini

Take the time to watch and learn. Don’t allow anyone to pressure you. Listen to your gut and don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right.

— Rogue_Pet, f/53/s

Do any research you can before going in. Have no preconceptions. Last but not least be nice.. Understand first walking in there may be some weird and wild visuals but most groups are filled with warm and wonderful people.

—William Stuckey, 41M, Switch