How does consent work?
That’s a BIG question in a few words, and I’m going to do my best to give you an overview here, while also stressing that this is a topic that warrants an entire book (and one I’m working on).
So, let’s talk about consent.
What is consent?
The best way I have of defining it is that consent is when one person voluntarily agrees with the suggestions or desires of another person.
In kink, this is usually in a sexual or intimately physical way, although there are kinks that require consent for mental and emotional issues as well, such as humiliation play.
In many spaces, consent is reduced down to the idea that “No means no,” and they are not wrong. However, while that’s a great place to begin, it’s too simple for this complex, messy, and wonderful life we live, especially when you’re talking about kink.
So, I’d like to explore a bit further. JustTaylor has this to say:
In the vanilla world, I often see and hear about the mindset of “if they don’t say no, it’s okay.” Things have been making a shift for the better, though, due to more people actually talking about what consent really looks like. From the kink side of things, it seems that consent normally has many pieces to it, such as: informed, enthusiastic, freely given, etc.
— JustTaylor, 20F, Switch
Yes means yes.
Rather than the idea of consent being in place without a “No,” let’s talk about consent being valid only if there is a “Yes,” or a clear affirmation.
Sure, many people are going to prefer the make-a-move-and-see type of consent in many vanilla or even sexual situations. And that’s OK, as long as you and your partner are in sync (more on this later).
In kinky play, though, especially pick-up play with people you do not know as intimately or well, getting clear consent in the form of a “yes” is ideal.
Enthusiastic consent is a minimum.
Why would anyone want to touch someone who does not want to be touched by them?
It boggles the mind.
Like this image, shared on Facebook, by a man who I met in the kink scene over a decade ago. Who I rather liked, then.
The “Original Text” is not his.
I don’t get it.
It’s not difficult.
If you don’t have permission to touch, don’t touch. It’s very simple. I don’t care if I’m naked, half-naked, provocative, drunk, passed out…
If you don’t have permission, just don’t.
And why would you?
Why would ANYONE want to touch someone that does not want to be touched by them?
Why aren’t they blaming THAT thinking as the poisoned well sickening society?
Bleh.
But stop to think about it. Do you really want to touch someone who is not enthusiastic about being touched by you?
I sure don’t.
In fact, I want someone to be 100% totally thrilled with the idea of being touched by me. Over-the-moon.
Just like I would want to be totally thrilled to be touched by someone else when they touch me.
It’s simple, once you put yourselves in their shoes.
Who wants to be touched by someone that they are not completely comfortable being touched by? Or someone that they are actually uncomfortable being touched by?
Right?
Informed consent matters.
A friend of mine sent me a link one day to An Essay On Consent, From A Woman Who Hosts Huge Sex Parties.
It’s an excellent piece of work on consent, covering many bases. Here are a few of my favorite points:
“Even if you previously granted consent, if you lose the ability to revoke that consent, from that moment on, there is no consent. And if someone takes that control over your consent from you, or ignores that you have lost your control over your consent, that is rape. You must be in control of, and able to revoke, your consent at all times for that consent to remain valid.”
“Only act on enthusiastic consent: ‘Yes!’ not ‘Maybe…’ Consent is binary. You have enthusiastic consent or you do not have consent.”
“If you want to be really, really sure someone is enthusiastically consenting, ask them to say yes a few times before you do that kinky thing to them. Make them beg for you to do that kinky thing to them. Consent for the win!”
“Consent for one activity (i.e. drinking earl grey tea) does not mean you also have consented to another activity (i.e. drinking english breakfast tea with milk and honey.) “Consenting to sex” is not some catchall for having suddenly consented to every imaginable type of sexual activity, and losing control over your limits.”
There is more. A lot more. And I recommend reading it. For everyone. Even those who understand consent. Not because it will necessarily teach you more, but because it may give you more words and more ways of explaining and more ways of doing consent than you had before you read it.
However, there is something missing in every major consent piece I’ve read, and even those that mention it seems to gloss it over, as they are focused primarily on the physical, rather than the mental results of consent.
Consent is only valid when they know what they are getting into.
In the medical world, this is called informed consent, and it is defined as permission granted in the knowledge of the possible consequences.
The important part here is the “knowledge of the possible consequences” part.
In other words, a person cannot give consent if they don’t fully understand what they are consenting to and what might happen as a result.
I often tell people that I have two rules in consent:
- It has to be enthusiastic.
- It has to be informed.
My partners have to know what I’m asking, or what they are asking for to be able to give consent, or for me to consent to their requests.
In practice, enthusiasm is easy to recognize. Begging, pleading, kissing my feet—all clear indications of enthusiastic consent.
Informed consent, though, maybe not so much.
The first night I met my Pet, a friend wanted him about me:
“Watch out for her, she plays in boy’s heads.”
He immediately turned to me, and gave consent. In fact, said, “You may play in my head anytime.”
I laughed, because he had NO idea what he was consenting to. But, I took it for what it was, and engaged.
Now, after over six years of my playing in his head, and his seeing the results and having my tactics and reasoning explained to him, he has a MUCH better idea of my behavior modification kinks, and he still consents.
Still consents.
I know this because I ask him.
Regularly.
To consent again to me playing in his mind. Because each time he discovers a new way I’ve played with him and modified him, he is more able to fully consent.
And, to be fair, I’m not always sure where I will take him. I had no idea six years ago where we would be today, anymore than he did.
So, getting consent as I go is important to me.
And, I love consent… it’s sexy and hot and all sorts of yummy good things, and getting a “Yes, My Queen” from that boy is better than Viagra for me.
But, regardless of my own personal consent perversions, I do it because it’s not just about consent.
It’s about INFORMED consent.
Here’s a quick story:
On a kink site one day, someone sent me a message, “May I ask you a personal question?”
I answered, “No, thanks.”
They said, “Why not?”
I replied, “Because we’ve corresponded before, we didn’t make a connection, and a personal question is not something I’d want to share with a total stranger.
“To add to it, because you asked that question. My decision should be enough without a reason to back it up. That’s what consent is.”
I find it amusing they asked for consent, then seemed taken aback when I chose not to give it.
The community says:
The easiest way I have heard for remembering the fundamentals of what consent should entail would be the FRIES acronym: Freely-given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. Each of those are core pieces and need to be met.
— JustTaylor, 20F, Switch
Consent in a relationship, for me, is the conscious choice to come together with a person, share and accept the sharing of the Other. I want my consent to be informed, meaning that I demand and expect honesty and transparency from my Οthers.
And, mind you, I don’t demand this honesty and transparency only regarding the existence of other partners/Others. I also demand and expect honesty and transparency regarding the needs of the person I am involved with, their desires, their boundaries, their limits, their feelings about me and their feelings about our relationship.
—Poly Schmolly, 34, Sensualist
It means someone whose right it is to say yes or no to something, who is competent (at the time) to make a decision, has been informed of all the relevant information, and has, of their own free will, communicated their permission.
— Immiel, 41F, Kinkster
Permission–given of free will, full knowledge, and in affirmative–to purposely effect and/or control someone else’s life, body and mind. For me, it needs to be affirmative, informed, enthusiastic, and non-coerced.
—Tadie, 31F, Primal
I like to think in the bdsm kink world that we use “consent” as a driving force more so and are more mindful of it than the vanilla world. At the end of the day I wouldn’t say it works differently as some already said “no means no” or “this specifically is yes and EVERYTHING else is no”, only difference in my perspective is in kink consent is a fore thought and not a after thought.
—LittlMinx_Beast, 39M, Dom
