It’s Black AND White, Not Shades Of Grey

It’s Black AND White, Not Shades Of Grey

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

In fact, I rarely think in shades of grey. Or compromise. Or whatever it is we’re told we’re supposed to do to get along in this world.

I’m perfectly comfortable with seemingly opposite viewpoints happily coexisting in my head, to be trotted out in different situations (or sometimes together).

For a long time, I used “DichotomousMe” as a handle on dating sites. It led to some funny discussions, many of which started with a question about what it meant.

So, when a friend of mine wrote me this morning (as they often do), with the following, I was inspired to talk about how these black and white ideas are generally far from opposites, and in fact, are more alike than not.

At least in my head.

And, in talking with others who have similar thoughts…in theirs.

I enjoy your writings. For example, yesterday you wrote:

“When we WANT to get the D Delivery, we want it.”

On your profile page you write:

“If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

As someone who is safely ensconced in a monogamous relationship, I feel bold enough to tell you that that line in your profile is why I’ve never asked to get into your panties.

This is the part I immediately responded to in my head.

Because the line in my profile is VERY clear to me, and perhaps not so much to others (I’m OK with that).

“If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

There are two key parts to this phrase:

simply: only, primarily, without deviance or complication


looking for: hunting, prowling, approaching, taking the active role

If ALL you want is to get in my panties, and if you’re going to actively/aggressively approach with that in mind, then you will be rebuffed.


If you are approaching with the idea of becoming friends who sometimes play slap-and-tickle, please do step into my inbox. No guarantees, but you’re not ruled out, either.

However, when I want the D Delivery (as I sooooo elegantly put it), I will say so. I will make it clear. You don’t have to press yourself forward. If you’re on my radar (at that moment), and you are a likely candidate, I’ll make sure you know.

Which is why I prefer FWBs, with the emphasis on F.

And then there is the second part of their writing to me:

I don’t expect you to tell me if I made the right decision. It does segue into a writing prompt that is relevant for your DK work. Lines like that are common in profiles, often lots of lines like that.

I’ve wondered if those lines are more effective at deterring people the poster would be interested in talking to, rather than ones she wouldn’t. It seems profiles are written with the idea that if they are just explicit enough about what they don’t want, then undesirable people won’t contact them, when the fact is the undesirable people don’t read them at all. As always, I look forward to any thoughts you might feel like sharing.

I think they have absolutely hit on something here. Something that I’ve written about a few times, and even put into my book, Dating Kinky.

Here’s the thing:

I always say you should write your dating profile to disqualify people.

A dating profile is about finding people who are a match for you. The people you want in your life. Not everyone is going to fit that bill. In fact, MOST people will not, so why not use your profile to separate those who are definitely not suited from those who may be good prospects?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that putting “I will not date someone who hates chili dogs with all the fixins,” in your profile will guarantee that you will not get chili dog-haters all up in your messages.

You will.

I promise.

Often with lines like, “I know you said that you wouldn’t consider a chili dog hater, but I have all these other amazing qualities…”

*Insert eye roll here*

To be fair, sometimes that works. Sometimes, they’ll pull out a win with me. RARELY. However, what I’ve found is that writing a profile that allows people to disqualify themselves easily does one important thing.

It convinces the generic nice people who do read profiles and are considerate enough to respect you as a human being who has a right to decide your own interests to disqualify themselves if they are not a match.

This makes it so much easier for you.

You’re left with the amazing matches, and the really bad matches—who don’t bother reading profiles, or who would write to you no matter what.

And that’s good.

Look at it this way:

On one side of things, you have the people who might be potentially good matches for you. On the other, you have those folks who, through no fault of their own (or lots of faults, I mean, let’s be honest), are completely not what you’re looking for right now.

In the middle, you have a bunch of ‘looks potentially good on the surface’ sorts, who may take a bit more screening to put directly into one category or the other.

They are generally good people, but with a bit of digging, you will realize that your belief systems are too different, you want incompatible things out of life, or your kink hard limits are their ‘loves’ or ‘must-haves.’

By adding self-disqualifying text to your profile, those maybe-sorta-waste-my-time folks will self-disqualify, and you’ll have only the potentials with promise and the people who so blatantly disregard who you are as a person and what you are looking for that they are obviously not for you.

Easier sorting with very little effort on your part! That’s a win in my book.

Excerpted from Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

So, my friend, that’s two answers to your question. smiles

What are YOUR thoughts?

What are your thoughts on dichotomies or seemingly opposite ideas and behaviors? Do you have any of your own that make perfect sense to you?

Any that you’re willing to share?

And on the subject of dating profiles, do you have any specific lines you like to put in that make it easier to sort?

More Posts

One Response

  1. I’ve put on my profile that yeah I’m not here for hookups I’ve done so on my Instagram as well. If this sounds weird well I’m not sexually active and haven’t been for a couple of years and honestly, I don’t want to be sexually active. Does that make me weird? It’s also yes put a halt on finding a type of D/s relationship because so much of many relationships are sex but I’ve also just put myself as a bottom for that reason as well. I’m also scared of trying to date again too 🙁

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.